I have been depressed and thought of suicide constantly since I was in high school. I have attempted but always failed, anyway I just wanted to find a place that maybe others who feel like me would understand my feelings. I am twenty years old, and I feel like my life can be a living hell. I have psychological problems that stem from my abuse as a child. I just think that psychological abuse is never a big topic because it is never visible, until it is too late. My abuser was/is my mother. She and my older sister are the only people that can tear me down to feeling like dirt. This isn’t your typical family bickering either, since I can remember my mother always hurt me by saying mean things, from calling me ugly to fat, to a piece of crap, telling me to prostitute myself, and just recently she said “I don’t know why you even exist”. She use to hit me, till I was big enough to hit her back, but she has still tried. I just can’t understand why a mother would do that to her own child, and it is so hard to find anyone who understands because no one believes a mother could be that way. It is so bad that the sound of her voice sends my heart racing, and I feel sick, when I dream of her it is always her hurting me too, yet I love her, I just wish she would love me. Anyway I find myself feeling alienated and alone. Even my close friends don’t understand, and growing up like that has led me to become someone with no confidence and so many psychological problems that I feel I should just die, like she told me to do so. I know that most people are going to say, well move out, blah blah but I can’t at the moment, and I have other reasons as to why I wish I could just die. I am just wondering if anyone else has been living with such torment and how they cope. Sorry for the long post.
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My mother and sister constantly abused me as a child. I was beaten, psychologically manipulated and screwed around with in the head. The extent of the psychological damage is quite a story by itself… I had the police called on me at least 5 times by the age of 15 due to ‘domestic violence’. Shortly after my 15th birthday I was sent to a mental hospital for 15 days. I lived with my dying paternal grandfather for about a year and a half before moving back in with my mother; back into the abuse. My mother turned me into an angry psychopath, unable to feel love. I also was teased at school and am still ridiculed today on a daily basis due to some facial physical deformities and ‘ugliness’ that I am afflicted with.
My dad is just a distant asshole and has the emotional capabilities of a pencil sharpener.
At age 18, close to turning 19, I was legally kicked out from my mother’s home (my father was then living in Geneva, Switzerland with his Russian girlfriend) and I had to make my own way on my own. I have been living alone since march 12 2010. I am now 20. Life has gone from bad to worse, but here I am, still alive.
This is obviously an extremely short version of events, a lot of moving around and screwed up things happened before and after I got kicked out, but it’s too long a story and too much happened; you would simply get bored. I could almost write a book on the abuse I grew up/ am growing up with. I now think I am developing paranoid schizophrenia – either that or things in my little world really are just weird.
I don’t know what to tell you. I’d tell you to fight and carry on, but this life just seems utterly empty for me. I would tell you to fight off your family’s abuse towards you and try and find love. I cannot find love because I suffer from, uh, how can I put this… genital problems that leave me sterile and also unable to have sex in general. I’m also hideous as fuck due to a number of facial and body deformities.
I don’t know you, what you look like, or how intelligent / strong willed you are.
I just wish you good luck, even though there is no such thing.