contemplating the best way to go

suicide is suddenly becoming a very interesting and easy way for me lately. with all the problems that keep on piling, suicide is becoming very, very pleasant by the minute! i know its like a coward’s way out but i don’t really care.

these are my problems..first off, i became an illegal alien in the country for 3 years. my source of funds is the occasional work that i’ll have for a few months and my savings. i’m living with relatives but i’m slowly becoming a burden so i decided to just pay someone to marry me for papers. i was married 3 months ago but his side of the family took care of the whole process for the papers and let’s just say nothing came out of it and its slowly starting to look like they just took my money. i borrowed A LOT of money from my parents to pay this guy and the whole process. but the really bad thing is, i fell for the guy. and i thought he did too. we’re together for most of that 3 months and then suddenly he’s not answering my calls. like he just vanished.

so i’m broken-hearted, literally broke, illegal with a lot of money that i have to pay off. i don’t know how to start my life again. i really don’t. i just want to sleep and never wake up ever again. suicide is all against my catholic upbringing and i keep on thinking of what God will say when i suddenly showed up before my time. but i have so much problems for the last 3 years that i can’t stand anymore. i just want all of them to go away.

i have pills with me hoping this will kill me but i know that it will be slow. i don’t know if there are any building i can just jump off from…if there’s a gun in this house, i don’t think i will even have the life to write this down.