I was supposed to be a winner but alas my life is lame. I don’t know who to blame, I used to be a courageous young girl, but I guess life happens and I got too afraid to try out new things after waiting a long time for my turn. I am watching America’s best Dance Crew right now and noticed that these dancers are so full of life, the blood in their veins pumping with life, that’s why even if I am not talented at dancing I would like to learn. They have got this attitude of no fear, they have this swagger, no fear of rejection, they feel confident that when they holler a cheer, everyone will holler back. And they keep going on. Dancing gives people a lot of confidence, and giving your best on stage is like letting everyone see you naked and know that you’re the bomb. They’re inspiring.
So, I found this blog because I was searching for people who were also afraid of living their life, living their dreams. While it is not my dream to be a dancer, it is my dream to be famous for something worthwhile like my work, have a great relationship with a partner I love, be independent, be able to drive a car (I am already 25 years old and I have just started driving) and basically have more control of my life because at this moment I will not be able to finance the lifestyle that has been almost given to me ( a place of my own, a car to drive, a stable job) all these three things I didn’t quite earn for myself, and I hate the fact that I am so lame that if I decide to do it on my own, I’d definitely would not have a car, no money to gas it up anyways, and a place of my own. I am living with my mom and stepfather again, and they wouldn’t allow me to drive the car outside our village. I used to be a writer at a broadcasting company and resigned to work on the family business. I am kind of frustrated because it has been more or less four years since I graduated college and my pay is still at minimum. I am now a Brand Manager and although I have a lot of ideas I still know that there are a lot of things I am afraid of and a lot of things I suck at doing, like talking to pushy people. People at my former workplace has recently been given quite a huge raise, (about double our salary) and I am stuck at another family business where I am responsible for a lot of things and DO a huge chunk of the workload, and salary wise, still at the minimum. My family doesn’t know the real me. They see me as weak. And I used to be a child full of promise.
I know I’m luckier that most people, and some people may feel like I’m lucky as well. But I feel like I am nothing. I haven’t proved anything to myself, I used to have people who believed in me, but somehow that all changed through time. I must be manic-depressive because I was at high spirits a few months ago when I became a brand manager, I have always been keen on marketing and business, but somehow, things aren’t clicking. I’m afraid to live and take a chance at life. I am afraid to tell the girl I want that I want her. Somehow everything is mine for the taking and yet I am so afraid. Do I think that its so unreal for me to finally live the life I want? Is it stopping me from becoming more awesome in life? I wanted to belong to a band, and some talented people waaaay talented musicians made me their vocalist. I feel like I don’t deserve it at all, while I have a good voice, I am not confident, I am a lackluster performer, I suck.
Do I need help? Sometimes I think I want to be hurt but then again I am already hurt by a pain of my own creation. I want to feel like it is only natural for me to live the life I knew I would live someday when I was a kid. (But that dream was better though)
I am taken aback when people show signs that they like me, or even attracted to me, and I am sick of my bullshit. I want to be really happy. I want to embrace happiness. I want myself to let myself live.
3 comments
This might sound crazy but self confidence is often times a decision you have to make. You dont need help. You just need to be okay with failure sometimes. Trial and Error. Theres nothing wrong with that. But none of this is really new to you seeing as you are extremely intelligent. Take it from NIKE bro. JUST DO IT. What do you have to lose?
Believe it or not, your story is eeriely very similar with my story.
the whole life turned out bad, stuck at a sucky family business, with parents constantly underappreciating you and see you only as weak, although you know you actually still have so much to show to the world, but shit happens and all that. Plus now all the constant doubts at yourself.
Google “free MBTI Test”, it’s a currently popular personality test and very accurate depiction. If you’re like me, you might be of an INFP personality type (of the total 16 Types), and the things that you mentioned above are usually common with INFPs type. and that means there are similar people like you out there (yes hard to believe isn’t it? trust me they do exist, just scattered around the planet). find the internet forums, just google “INFP forum”, or try here for starter: google “PersonalityCafe + INFP” and try to post ur stuff there. I’m sure a LOT can relate with you.
Life is a *****, and I like what the other poster yesterday posted here: “shit do happens”. it’s unfair. and even I myself still try to determine whether everything is totally pure random coincidences (and thus some got dealt the bad deck of the cards), or there is some kind of Providence or Higher Forces (God? Aliens? ETs?) who ‘play’ with our fate/destiny…and a seemingly “cruel” one at that, but they, They are free to make ‘experiments’, right?..
shit… join the military like I did they don’t care where you come from and they don’t care where your going and you will be heroic if your a combat medic you can do things that no one can do… and be proud you did it yourself…. and if you want to die well… they can help you too.