A lifetime of self-loathing… Self Rejection, Low Self Esteem, not knowing how to deal with hurt emotions nobody could understand cause everyone else was as heartless and shallow as I was… one thing my dad wasnt, was a emotionally mature Man… my dad would beat me with jump ropes, fists, bang my head against the wall… verbally, mentally and physically abused… then tell me to stop crying or he would give me something to cry about… i, as most boys, was taught that crying is a sign of weakness… hurt and fear manifests into rage… thats why I cut, thats why I drug, thats why I drink, thats why i want to die… i don’t have a proper outlet for my hurt and fears that life throws at me… the hurt and fear festers and molds over… my body wants to reject it but my mind wants to live in it cause misery is what i know and have grown accustomed… i dont trust joy, happiness and love because the ones that bred me infect me with hate, fear, hurt… a healthy emotionally mature adult?… seems so far away… i guess i can window shop… which one fits this facade of a person… which plastic smile would go with these angel eyes… fake it till i make it they tell me… what the fuck am i trying to make when the ingredients are all crap…
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hey
judging from the stories here, a lot of people would understand in a way – but I know what you mean by everybody being heartless and shallow. It’s so difficult to find help in the ‘real world’. I’m having difficulties admitting I need a counselor, a doctor… someone at least physically close by. Many people here have been hurt badly. I self-harm, I’m self-loathing. But I’m really trying to stop.
I am so sorry to hear about your father. I really am, I can relate.
Talk to someone. A counselor, a therapist. Talk to yourself. I don’t know if I’m helping, but I really hope things get better for you. Its okay to cry. Its okay to have a facade. Just be strong. Someone told me their story about depression and their suicide attempts – their now happily married, promoted at their workplace and they are loving life.
You can gain the happiness you deserve.
Love, asylum.