I have it all planned now. Only a lack of braveness or a failure with my overdose will save me.
I’ve spent the best part of 10 years fading in and out of depression, dipping into the thoughts of suicide, even attempting twice. Both times unnoticed by the outside world, although both times fucking my already fucked up body somewhat more.
But this is it. Twice the antidote this time and a plan B. I do not want to survive again. I will not survive again.
But the date of destroyal is a few weeks ago. People need to get to places first. Doses need to arrive.
So I was thinking – should I make a diary of my final weeks? I mean, who the fucks going to want to read it anyway? My family don’t give a shit about me. I have few friends and to be honest no one will miss me when I’m gone.
But I ask because I’ve had this writing instinct in me for years. I’ve got stacks of poems piled up in the back of my cupboard from teenage years, before I had a computer. I’ve always had the want to write even though I know my writing is somewhat dire and my vocabulary very thin.
And where would I post it..
5 comments
Hi have you thought about how you are going to do it this time?
If u need want I can help.
I too will be Exiting peacefully with cyanide
You can’t go wrong with cyanide it will do the job done right in less
Than 1 minute…
As far as your poems and writing, u can just ask your family to
Do something with it after you die. Just a thought.
I am in the midst of the same quiet, unhurried, planful process. Like you, this isn’t my first time. Sure, write a diary. You may think of someone who will read it. If not, just leave it amongst books; it’s your writing it that counts. There may be no one who “cares”, and in my case, I will have to write a snail mail letter to the rural fire department paramedics to come clean away my body before calling my relatives. But again, the universe is huge and each of us is but a spec. So does it matter? We may choose to live, or to die, now or later. For one reason, or another. We cry, or we don’t. We ask for help, or we don’t. There is change, but it takes way too much effort and belief. Fwiw, though, I hope you change your mind. You’re a good writer. Ever read how James Taylor happened to write the song Fire and Rain?
I’ll be honest and tell you i’ve thought it out too, so don’t think you’re alone. what you’re planning will not make things easier… trust me.
There is site called suicideforumdotcom. You can post your stuff there and no one will bash you. We’ ll I don’t think that happens there and I’ve posted some weird shit on there lately….
Thank you Linda – but I’m not sure I can get hold of cyanide easily/legally???
Hi jane – great song and I understand its meaning. But I do not know the actual story behind it so I will research it now…
Thank you oldman – I will bookmark that site and use it once my final writings are complete.
Thank you guys