For a couple weeks, I’ve been browsing this site. It started with an attempt to find a concrete suicide method. I had first been set on slashing my wrists, then overdosing, then drowning. I can’t decide. I’m not scared of dying, or pain. I’m scared of not succeeding. Of surviving and being “that girl who tried to off herself.” I would hate for everyone to think I did it for attention. This is precisely the reason I don’t really talk to my therapist. I don’t want to ask her if I’m actually fucked up, and have her tell me I’m just a normal teenager having normal teenage thoughts and problems.Â
I guess… I’m here and writing this to see if anyone out there knows what I’m going through. Do you ever lay in bed in night, thinking how on earth the thoughts going through your head are normal? You want to reach out to someone, to get help, to make sense of those terrible things you think about? Does your skin reflect your mind? Marks of madness you created in hopes to calm yourself/fix yourself/end yourself. You spend the whole night a terrible mess, and promise yourself you’ll seek help. Then, in the morning, you think that somehow, it’s all for attention. That you’re a horrible person. Don’t you know there’s people out there who actually go through shit? You need to stop being a whiny ass and get a hold of yourself. It’s nothing. You’re nothing. You go through this cycle every night. And every day you hate yourself a little bit more. You want nothing more then to stop those thoughts. all of them. So, one day, you think of suicide. And you don’t stop. Can anyone relate?
~Bliss
4 comments
i can sort of relate with those types of thoughts but i dont have a therapist, too shy for sharing :/
I wish I didn’t have a therapist. It’s useless to go because I never open up. After my mother found out I was cutting and drinking, I was forced to go.
i was once a walking facade… “if only i could walk through a pane of glass and have it shred me into ribbons… then my outside could look like i feel” i plagiarized that, so its something i heard from something like prozac nation… just understand you are not alone… so many people have them same thoughts… i am a bit older and have experienced alot of hurt pain misery suffering… that gut wrenching feeling where you want to puke you feel so miserable…. alone in my thoughts heart and mind… a very dangerous place for me… thats when i find myself standing on a ladder wanting to take that leap of faith… ima 98%’r tho… never taking the jump… all i can say is it is something you need to work out… you are a logical person… well you sound like one… you think things through… so there is an end to the pain and suffering… you just have to allow yourself to trust joy and happiness…
excuse me bliss, but i can relate to you. every night and every morning is hell. i feel like i’m screaming out because i want help for it all. but i’m pushing everyone away and telling them i don’t want it. the sad part is that people actually listen to me.