August 30th, 2011 by tzaz

Does anyone know if our posts with the f word get deleted? I hope not. W’e’re depressed and I think saying fuck is a pretty minor offense.

I don’t have anything cogent to write.  I’m just writing because it helps.

I finally contacted my therapist.  I sent her email.  Told her I needed to make an appointment with her but can’t call because I am utterly immobilized.  She emailed back right away because she is a saint…we have something set up for Labor Day.

I will tell her that suicide is becoming a dominant theme in my thoughts.  That I have researched ways to off myself…that I have started writing letters to significant people….that I have contacted a lawyer to set up my will….that I have thought of how to wrap up my life (the house and crap) so my family doesn’t have to deal with it….that I have thought about how to get my dogs to a good family.

I haven’t actually contacted the lawyer yet.  I have a hard time setting up appointments.  I don’t know what it is with me and phone calls.  I hate talking on the phone and  I don’t know why.  I might just try LegalZoom for my will.  It just seems like the internet is not a way to get your last will and testament done properly.

My therapist might be concerned enough to get me into a psych ward.  But I’m wondering what good will that do, seems only trouble will come from that.  First, I would have to miss work and that could have bad consequences.  Second it would cost a butt load of money.  Third I would have to be released at some point, they can’t watch me every second for the rest of my life, right?

So instead I will tell her that suicide is on my mind but that I wouldn’t really do it, that the thought itself is comforting enough.  And I won’t be lying.  More on this later.

Oh, why should I care if missing work causes bad consequences. Because I have to plan for living as well as for dying. I might live for another year or 2 years or 10 years. Probably no more than 10 years because I smoke. But I don’t need to lose my job and add yet another problem to the pile.  I would really like to not fuck up my job.

To get right down to it, the truth is I can’t kill myself.  I’m sort of doing that already with smoking.  But I can’t do the immediate-kill-thing……so that’s what I have to work with.

I am just so tired. And I have a headache. Probably from all the crying I did yesterday. And drinking an entire bottle of wine.  Today all the memories of mean people came at me.  I have never done a mean thing in my life.  I go out of my way to treat people with courtesy and respect, and I mean EVERYONE.  At the grocery store, at the post-office, at the doctor’s office, on the freeway.  And then someone spits in my face, out of the blue, for no reason at all.  Just because they are an asshole I guess.  I just assumed everyone else was nice too.  How can I be so naive at my age? I think most of the people in the world are haters.  Or is it like 50% nice and 50% assholes? Does anyone have any idea? The more anonymous the situation, the bigger the asshole. I’ve noticed that too.  Just look at the trolls on youtube and on the freeway.  It’s pretty cowardly to be an asshole when you don’t have to look at someone in the face.   You get to hurt someone and not be made to feel like a jerk about it.  Win win.

It really sucks to live when you don’t want to….but I have to because suicide is just not an option.  I can day-dream about it but that’s about as far as I get.  I suppose I get so down at times that it’s not impossible.

I hope I don’t live to 70 though.  I spent time volunteering at a hospice.  Now THAT is depressing.  I would rather be in the ground than in a nursing home.  With my smoking, I probably won’t make it past 65.  Thank God! (did I just compliment myself for smoking?)

I started taking fish oil pills to up my libido.  I read that it really works (we’ll see). I have zero interest in sex right now. That means no boyfriend.  Because  boys don’t want to just hang out and not have sex.  I get that boys want to have lots of sex.  One boy posted (not here, some other website when I was researching low sex drive) that the only reason men get married is so they can have daily, random sex. God, that depressed the hell out of me.  I would like to have a boy in my life…..I think…….it wouldn’t hurt to try at least. 

Being alone does fugly things to your head.

Well, thanks for reading.


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