I am an outsider, and I don’t like what I see.

Right, I will just say why and how I am planning to kill myself. Simple…right?

The why:

Have felt like a zombie all my life. I have always felt like I am braindead for as long as I can remember, my concentration is nil, fatigue and sleepiness ALL the time. A pretty nice and simple way that my counsellor put it was as beng “detatched from reality”. I am now 20 years old, and I still have no idea who I am, I look at myself on the mirror 50 times a day, not because I am in love with myself, but to remind myself of who I am. I often ask myself if I am living in a dream.

I am not enthusiastic about anything, I don’t care about anything or anyone, I don’t want to do anything. I just want to be left alone so I can sit or sleep. I seem to be angry and frustrated with everything. I am suspicious about everything, I perceive everyone else as stupid and blind. I am disappointed in myself, life, everyone and everything.

Then comes the stress, family and virtually everyone I have met classifying me as lazy and just plain dopey. Failing in school, failing to find a job, failing to find a girl to share my life with. I decided to believe in my father 2 weeks ago and told him why I was failing in life, why I was the way I am, and that I had planned on committing suicide. He refused to believe anything and perceived it all as an excuse and seemed to think that I lacked traditional violence throughout my life, which is why I had turned out this way.

I had never imagined I would tell my own father what I was planning. But I did, and I regret it. But I had hoped he would have had a couple of words of wisdom, quite the contrary. Anyway, 6 months ago when I first started to plan killing myself, I decided to try the doctors before I do it just in case. I was first diagnosed with hypersomnia after months of diagnostics tests on me. When I told the doctor the pills he had given me were not helping me and that I was planning to kill myself, he told me it was because I had depression….no shit. 10 days ago, I was diagnosed with major depression, I was explained that I felt so numb, so brain-dead, like an outsider because of the depression, because my mind has been blocking everything out and accepting only my own pessimistic thoughts.

The where:

I have bought a one-way plane ticket for Albania (my country of origin) departing on 23rd of August. I will hire a small car and will drive for 3 and a half hours to the village where I was born and brought up until the age of 7 and where the only happy memories that I can remember are. I have chosen this place because the people are selfless and the place is peaceful. I will not be notifying anyone when I depart.

The how:

There is a small river which runs approximately 2.3 meters deep from the mountains and onto the fields there. The scenery is beautiful and is the most undisturbed place I can think of. Anyway, I will drown in this river.

I know life sucks, but I’d like to hear if someone has a similar plan.

PS: I will be dying a virgin haha. I do not want to succumb to the pressures, especially now that I am making my elaborate exit.