I don’t know what to do….

  August 26th, 2011 by Disenchanted

This month has been surreal.

On the 31st of July an old friend of mine took her life.

It’s so strange because out of the two of us, I thought it’d be me.

I feel the need to share this with people who understand suicide and depression. I’ve changed all the names as this is pretty recent.

Sunday 31st July 4:00 pm

I’m watching TV with my mum, we are about to head over to my Nanna’s. We watched the end of the show and leave. I don’t remember exactly what I was thinking the moment before,  but something caught my eye.

The railway police, were stopped by a crossing. My Mum said ‘Maybe someone’s been hit’

Sure enough just up the line the train was stopped, before it lay a body under a tarp, policemen kneeling over it. I was so shocked, I just started crying and couldn’t stop until we arrived at my Nan’s.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it, I only knew that I’d never forget it as long as I lived.

The next day, I was at home and Mum had gone to work. She cam home for her break. Apparently it was a 16 year old girl who’d shared the same name as me. I felt so sorry for this girl, I thought that a few years ago ‘that could have been me’.

My mum finishes her break and goes of to work, I was thinking that maybe I should get into a career in counseling. Unexpectedly mum comes back a second time, I think ‘oh she must have forgotten something’.

She then tells me, that it wasn’t a 16 year old girl. She was 18 and it was my friend Anna. I was in complete disbelief, I kept  yelling ‘No’  and couldn’t stop.

The first thing I did after somewhat recovering from the shock was go out on the back porch to go through my boxes. We’d just moved to our current address and some of the plastic container boxes we’re still out back. It was cold and raining, I couldn’t stop sobbing.

I wanted to find everything we shared together, our message book that we used to sneak around class. We’d basically pull the piss out of each  other, and the teacher. It was fun, we made three all together. I was given one.

I kept asking Anna where it was,  where did I put it Anna? eventually I found it. I was pleased but still broken hearted. I searched for anything I could find. I was surprised at how much I kept but still wishing I had more.

I didn’t want to believe it, I still hoped that maybe they’d gotten it wrong. It couldn’t have been her. I’m not sure what I did first, but I logged on to FB and already a page had been made up for her.

I also went to the site, where she took her life. The fence was decorated in flowers and gifts of her favorite color. I read one of the cards and it said ‘Anna’.

I couldn’t deny it anymore,  yet I still couldn’t believe it either.

The following Wednesday , she was laid to rest. Now I hadn’t spoken to my school friends since I left high school in the 2nd year. So about 3-4 years had passed. Yet it was almost like no time had passed at all.We were all dressed in her favorite color. The weather was the best it had been all week.

As her hearse pulled up the cemetery drive,  I braced myself.  I saw her casket, decorated with a big bouquet of flowers, a picture of her placed on each side. An indescribable feeling swept over me.  I managed to compose myself, as we walked behind the family car.

Another school friend, Grace, with whom Anna and I had also been close with walked with me. And we wept together as they lowered her into the ground. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It was my first funeral.

Afterwards, I chatted with Grace, and reminisced about good times. it was nice but still awkward.

Soon everyone was gone but for me and my mum. I went back to her grave. It hadn’t been filled yet, and the flowers and gifts were still on top of her casket. I had a few privet moments with her, telling her of my regret, that I was sorry and that I loved her.

My mum eventually pulled me away, and I started wailing. I was so glad I’d held it in during the funeral. I would have been so embarrassed, even though it’s perfectly natural.

I’ve been struggling to deal with it ever since.

Now I want to tell you a little bit of back-story on me and Anna, and my own battle of depression. I know this is pretty long but bear with me.

I was 12 years old when I fist met Anna. She was a new student in my class. I was intrigued by the fact we shared the same name. We soon became friends, Anna, Grace and Me.

During that time I learned that her family life was less then ideal. Domestic violence and things of that nature. I didn’t know what to do, as she didn’t want to be separated from her family. So I just listened when she needed to talk.

She also started copy me a lot, me struggling for my own individuality did not like this.

I think it was mid year when I started to get really depressed. Whilst I wasn’t in the same boat as Anna, I had my own family issues. My dad was an ass. He made time with him uncomfortable to say the least. When my sister was 14 he kicked her out and there had been a rift between the family ever since. he did a few weird things but never crossed a line.

Despite all of it I was trying to live up to his expectations, trying to get his attention. It never did work.

I started cutting that year, I didn’t do it because wanted to see blood or even for the pain (as one therapist thought, she gave me a stress ball to cope) I did it because that’s what I thought people in pain did. It started with light scratches and got deeper as time progressed.

The year passed in a flash, sure the were some difficulties but we were Best friends. I had cut myself in class, I’m not sure how many times, maybe only once. But I regret doing that in front of them, the other day, I found letters Grace had written me to cheer up. and to please not cut myself.

At the time I wasn’t thinking of the impact that had on them. I was being selfish.they tired to cheer me up but to no avail. Grace had gone to our teacher and told her of what was happening. I had a private meeting with that teacher and broke down when I admitted I’d been hurting myself.

The school had no training with my kind of problems, yet they did their best to help me. It was the only school I felt safe in, and the teachers actually cared. I’ll be forever grateful to them.

The next year was when things got complicated. I had my first male teacher and I hated him. He was a complete bully.I would only realize later that he was a lot like my dad. He constantly picked on Anna, even though he knew what went on at home. School was supposed to be her safe place. It infuriated me, still does today.

We had a new principle that year, and he was the best. When we went to him with a problem. He actually listened and tried to do something about it. Even if it was a complaint against one of his own staff.

We almost got our teacher fired.

This was the year when we had message books, we got up to  lot of mischief . Moments in my life that I’ll treasure forever.

However this was when our friendships were tested. Grace wasn’t getting along with Anna. I can’t remember why. My depression got worse and I depended heavily on Grace and Anna.

Anna’s copying got worse, and we had more than one fight over it. I knew I was being selfish again but I couldn’t help but feel like I was being wronged.

The Anna started leaving me notes, I don’t know if they were e intentionally left for me to find or she just didn’t think I’d look. One said I’d been nasty to her from day one and that if she ever killed herself it’d be on me. I know that her suicide wasn’t my fault, I don’t think she seriously conteplated suicide until recent years.

Anna was a strong person, she was always cheerful and upbeat in spite of how things were. She’d survived so much. Brave girl that she was. Shouldered it all by herself in the end.

There were other notes. and more fights. Towards the end of the year. Grace had been leaving hints that she’d gotten fed up with Anna. That I had to choose between them sometime in the future.

I’m not sure when it was but I attempted suicide sometime this year as well, I tried to overdose on pills but I didn’t know what I was doing. I put in the back of my mind and this is the first time I’ve spoken of it.

It was so sad come graduation. The best school years of my life were coming to an end.

During the holidays we kept in contact, having sleep overs as young girls do. But everything came to a head one time when I had both Anna and grace sleep over.

That night my parents marriage crumbled. it was soooo awkward. My Dad packed up his stuff right in front of them.  My mum was crying in her room.My Dad couldn’t even wait one day for me, till my friends left.

The next day. Anna called me to see how I was. Grace did not. And I was upset over that for a long time. Now I see it as two different approaches. One friend stays by my side, the other gives me space.

Thing weren’t quite the same with me and Grace after that.

High school was hell. I was already a shy and fragile girl. High School broke me. All my other friends were going in different directions. Leaving me behind. I still had Anna but Grace no longer hung out with us. Or talked to us at all.  I’d heard that on one of my days off,  she went up to Anna and had some words with her.

Anna wouldn’t tell me what they were, although I knew the weren’t nice.

So it was just me and Anna. And things went down hill from there. Resentment started to grew between us. I saw less and less of the real Anna and more of a clone. To me she was my other self. Our arguements were more vicious.

It seemed we couldn’t handle each others issues anymore.

I became extremely  paranoid. I began do distrust Anna. I thought that she was telling people I cut my self. See whilst I was struggling to fit in, Anna managed to do just fine. I had to hang out with her new friends and they were always saying stuff like ‘why are you here?’ and I’d be like  ‘I’m Annas friend’.

I got the distinct feeling they didn’t like me. There were a few girls that were nice to me but none that I could confide in. Particularly because Anna instantly made friends with them as well. I felt like I had nothing of my own.

Even though we were at odds most of the time we still had fun. So I tried to salvage the friendship. One last time.

I sat down with her for lunch, and told her how I was feeling. And that I wanted to see more of her own personality. I told her that she was  good person. I tried. We left overall feeling good.

But it wasn’t to last. We used to play online all the time in HS. One day I stumbled across another account. It had all my stats, right down to my star sign. And I knew it was her. There were things I’d said to her that she’d used in the profile.

Angry and at breaking point, I sent her a message. I said something out of anger, she replied by saying she didn’t know what my problem was. That if it was over the account I should get over it. And to not bother speaking to her again.

I stopped coming to school, it was too much. I was getting bullied. And now I had no reason to go. Little did we know those were the last words we’d ever share together. As I didn’t see her again, until I saw her on the tracks.

I wish I’d held my tongue. I think I’d had enough and that had been the final straw. I left a  message on my profile page. Saying we weren’t right for each other and acknowledged that she was there for me when I needed her.

I realize now that a lot of my anger was misdirected. I was angry at my Dad.

After that I was almost admitted into a psyche ward for kids around my age. But I couldn’t by apart form my mother. My mum asked if I wanted my father to know. Hesitantly I said yes. I guess I hoped he’d be there for me. but he only said I was doing it for  attention.

Ive never asked for him since.

I continued to cut myelf until I realized what it was doing to my family. I’d convinced myself that nobody cared. But that’s what depression does. you get into a frame of mind that is so incredibly difficult to get out of.

You don’t really see the people around you.

Over the years I’ve tried my hardest at becoming a better person. I had to reprogram my whole way of thinking. And I have to say, I felt like I was getting there.

But this whole incident with Anna has shaken my resolve.

my anger had dimmed over time and just a few days before her death, I’d been thinking of contacting her and wishing her the best. However I hesitated. Something I will regret.

When I heard it was her, all those fights and hurt feelings. Didn’t matter. I just wanted her here on this earth. My whole perception of the world has turned upside down. Even at my angriest I always said she was there for me.

Now I realize, how much I missed her. I didn’t allow myself to miss her. My Mother says that if I’d gone back to school. We’d have been friends again. Cause that’s how we were.

I have discovered something that tells me a little of why she did it. Part of it was that facade she maintained for as long as I knew her.I wish I’d been there for her.

I’m a mess, I’m finding myself slipping back into old routines. I haven’t stopped thinking about her since I heard. i feel overwhelmed and am constantly forgetting things. I’ve lost all sense of concertration.

Even though I know that things do get better. In my darkest moments i can’t help but think that I want to join her.

But I could never do that to my family. I see the pain suicide leaves. And I could never do that to my mother. I just don’t want to be separated from my family.

This thought keeps me going.  I’m seriously  struggling. I feel stuck in a place I don’t want to be. A reality I don’t want to face.

Phew, sorry for the ultra long post but I needed to get this off my chest.




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