So, I suppose everyone has always thought that their life should be special. That they should have achievements in their life. I thought I had plenty of achievements in my life. Since saying things to random people can help even if there is no response I’ll give it a try. It may be selfish but I hope that I’ve deserved it. I’ll start from the beginning.
I’ve had a skin condition that makes my skin look like a fish (ichthyosis Vulgaris) since I was born. In public school I was harassed and had no friends. Even the teacher treated me as if I was infectious. Since I was always treated different I also thought different. I always imagined myself older walking into the woods with a pistol in hand taking it to my temple and pulling the trigger. I never did well in school because of obvious reasons. It was not until college that I actually started making some friends. But I was young and foolish and did not do well. After I flunked out of school (did not do assignments but averaged in the high 90’s for tests) I worked several jobs. Most recently was a job at a mining company where I did remote processing. While there I met someone. We grew close and she became my bride. I was still somewhat unhappy and I don’t know why. Shortly after my company betrayed me and booted me so they could send my job to China. At this time I wanted to go back to school and my wife supported the idea. Had exceptional difficulties getting a part time job and was falling face first. That being said my grades were superb. I finished the first year with a 3.96GPA for one of the most difficult course in the school.
A week passing the first year of school, I took my wife to work. She kissed me and said she loved me. Then I did not see her again. It came from her one friend that she was not coming home. Given no reason as to why. We did not fight and it was a good marriage as far as I knew. I loved her and I thought I was loved in return.
For the first couple weeks I drove up to a local cliff several time and stared down at the water below wanting to jump. I didn’t eat or drink anything for a week straight. I wanted so badly to die.
It’s been just over three months now since she left me. I’m 28 years old but feel older than I am. I’ve lost 50 pounds. And not a single day goes by that I don’t fantasize about ways of ending my life. I feel as if I have no real achievements in my life. I live with my mother who said that I feel nothing because I’m a man and that she was so very hurt by my wife leaving that I’ll never understand. Not to mention that when I told her I thought about jumping off a cliff that she would just ignore me and complain about how horrible I am as a son.
School starts back up in a few weeks but I don’t know if I really care. I want oblivion, nothingness for an nonexistence of a life. The only thing that really holds me back from making that leap is fear of the unknown. I don’t believe in heaven and hell because I feel as most of my existence has been hell. That I’m not deserving of happiness because who could ever really love me? Again I want the eternal void. It’s what I feel I deserve.
4 comments
Wow… *clap clap* nice romantic… I understand why you want to kill yourself… I have found myself in the same boat… let me tell you a tail… my tail… a tail of a soldiers way out…
I loved a girl… right out of high school… she was my first… which would be significant… it gets worse… I was picked on in school being highly intelligent but not doing anything with it I was blessed with caring parents… and a partially retarded brother… he was older and people did not like him… I was socially awkward… so at 18 when I found someone beautiful to love me I married her… she had some problems… but we had a 5 year marriage and 3 kids… I worked all the time and she got lonely… and told me she no longer loved me…. I have been sad… for 6 fucking years… my life hurts on a level that has told me to kill myself over and over again every day… it was 2 years after she left me that i have held on by my finger tips.. when I made a deal with god that I won’t kill myself… because he showed me that I don’t have cancer I am not dieing of anything… and there are over 50 million people who would kill to have my body…. just to live… because more then anything they wanted in the whole world the more then yesterday…. the dead wanted to live today… just one more day… I made a deal with god that said I will no longer try to protect my life…. to go and despite my fear… I will try… to live… to do things i think are boring like jumping from planes or trying to prevent people from dieing… I joined the military… because If I can’t kill myself I can eventually find someone who has the courage to end my life in a war zone… I am a Veteran Airborne Combat Medic… I have known fear when throwing myself from a plane… or from the eyes of a stranger telling me he doesn’t want to die….. I have known fear from people shooting at me or throwing grenades at me and each time death has come near… it makes me want to live…. so I tell you this don’t kill yourself… test your life and feel alive…. bring yourself closer to death so god can whisper in your ear…. “are you ready?” as the fear courses through your veins you will find the need to live and put all your efforts into it… when you do you will understand… that you will find pain in life… and suffering… and it will make it all the more better… when in your dark hole gathered in your fetal position… tears streaming from your face drinking to forget her love and missing your 3 children you will understand that when you great the sun after that night… it is beautiful…. your life is beautiful when you find yourself… when you say goodbye to the sunlight and see how beautiful the last day is… and hold on to the night with tight fingertips… yes I have crouched and screamed over and over again why? I have asked it many times… and have held on… I have lost my mind and have come back…. My life hurts everyday… and I look for a new love a new dawn… a passion I keep my emotions in check now… right now I am a drinking for a bit… so I visit here… and remember why I came here in the first place… jenga… trust me when I say it’s not over for me until I find someone who can understand me… and my pain… I am getting deployed soon and will wonder if god will take me out this time…. but it gets exciting when you think your going to die… explore your world what is the worst that can happen betrayal? FUCK stop feeling sorry for yourself! IF your going to do it at least GO and see if life can kill you first! don’t be afraid that people die be surprised your still alive… your world is small so all you feel is the amplified pain… I am not saying find someone else LIVE and while living you will die…. understand?… I am 32 and I count down the days… you know that? I think 100 years is feasible… so… I only have 68 years left… it counts down don’t you understand? FUCK!… remember WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE MAN… EVERYONE dies… it will come… YOU are dieing we are all dieing and it’s NOT o.k. … would it be better if you where stricken with cancer? donate your body parts… let others who cherish this life more then you live for that extra day your giving up… or fucking better yet… live for all those people who are dieing… who are dead for the 4 year old… not for the one who dieing in a car accident… it was over for him before it began… no live for the 4 year old who holds her parents she loves them… who is dieing of cancer.. no boyfriend… no wife… no kids… no friends.. no school… no life… nothing… she is dieing man… and I bet you would give every year now to make her live… but its not going to be she will die and you will live.. and you don’t care about your life… erase your life… burn your bridges and don’t look back start over and begin anew… YOU CAN FUCKING DO THAT…. I want to die a good man… and I work at it everyday… you think your worthless????? fuck so do I my record of wins is 14-1 that’s 14 saved lives in a war zone… and 1 loss… guess whose name I remember? SSG Gambonie…. I remember the ever changing faces of the children I fathered but never get to see… I have been to a 3 world country… its like a prince who says their is not food left… when he has a banquet in front of him… My life is filled with regret but I live… and I only live because of what I “MIGHT” become… you feel you live… your going to die… and you are dieing why the fuck rush it? do something be something in your life… and you may find someone in your life who will finally love you forever… or you may suffer multiple love and love losses… but be a good man and for gods sake challenge your life… your own worst enemy is you… because you don’t want to do anything but fucking die… I know how you feel…. so dust yourself off and keep going… this night is long… and you can live through it…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VswSDOR3AJw
Lance, I read through that and I’m glad I did. Challenge life. Amplified pain in small world. See if life can kill you first. Letting others live a day that’s been given up. Words that echo in me as well.
I’d never tell my whole story. Uncomfortable to reveal too much y’know. But cheers to “jenga” & “lance2005”. .. .Hi.