I don’t want to continue

I’m 25 and I’ve been severely depressed since I was a small child.  I’ve attempted suicide almost a dozen times since I was 14, and can’t seem to get it done.  No matter what I do or how many loving and caring people I try to surround myself with, I can’t help feeling useless, worthless, powerless and like nothing I do will matter.

I’ve been emotionally and psychologically destroyed by my family, peers and the system that I’ve grown up surrounded by.  I feel as though almost everything I do is some form of capitulation to the institution, especially my suicidal thoughts and feelings.  I constantly feel like I need to die, like it’s the only thing I can do that will be right in the world.  Even that would be a huge surrender to oppression, because I know that there is so much to be done to make the world free again.

I feel completely hopeless in a world that doesn’t seem to care about anything but controlling everyone and everything.  I feel stupid and blind.  From mother earth we all come, and to her we all return.  I just want it to be soon.