i knew i couldn’t physically do it

so i decided to cast a spell. each day for a month i put my focus into building my death. i was over life on earth, it hurt too much. love seemed missing, everyone was feeding off everyone else and society was mad. about a week in and i found myself booking a flight, a month later and it was christmas, and i was in new zealand. the spell was supposed to go like this: i would be swimming in a warm sea, surrounded by dolphins with a warm sun shining. i’d then dive down and at the deepest i could swim, take a breath.
christmas morning and i hitch a ride. there’s a meal ticket on the seat – and the voices are telling me that this guys is mine. i fight it and end up at the beach. its a hot hot day, so i strip and go for a swim. i’ve somehow forgotten my spell. about a kilometer out i see a fin coming towards me, and then i’m surrounded by baby hector dolphins. the sound they make as they break the surface is heavenly.
i remember my spell. i’m treading water in the heart of it. so i dive down, somewhere between excitement and nervous. i’m running out of puff when it suddenly goes cold. really freezing. a demon appears and pulls aside this curtain and shows me where i’m going to go – its a roaring, swirling chaos, and i’m not ready for it. i panic, feeling tricked, and swim back to the surface. when i get there, i don’t want to go back to shore so i scream for a while, then head further out. i’m pretty devastated and at the same time removed. i can’t see well for crying, but well enough to spot a small cruising dingy. i swim up to it and say hi, and they pull me out of the water. and i die. my heart stops. i dont remember much else. they happened to be lifesavers, out for a cruise with some beers and so i get resuscitated a few times between the sea and the beach. eventually i come back and stay back, but the world is somehow different. the ambulance driver becomes st. john (and beats me up for being a suicide) and the world is really fake. the nurse at the hospital (i’m handcuffed to the bed) arrives with an angel badge. i ask her if she’s azrael (my supposed guardian angel). she agrees, then leaves, then comes back wearing a devil badge. i panic and she comes back with both. jesus arrives in a doctor’s coat, puts his hands on me and leaves. my mum is sitting there, but when she turns to look at me she’s someone else. later on i get a pscyh evaluation and they decide i am not a danger to myself or anyone else. so the discharge me. at 11.30pm. not knowing what else to do, i follow the arrows on the road.
and that is the beginning of my new life. i’m not sure if i died or not, the aftermath was pretty out there. i do not know what is real or not. i do know that suicide doesn’t work. it just makes things worse. and that demon? 6 years later, i’m at a festival with my artwork hanging and my sonic art playing and i’m suddenly transported to that moment where the curtain was opened. all those years ago, i was shown hell and here it is in front of me, my artwork, and my sounds.
the world is still hell. life is still punishment. i take my pleasure where i can find it, and try and avoid thinking. one day it will all come to an end, and i don’t want that day to get put off through more bad behaviour. i get lost in art and movies and music and every now and again i cry.
i swa a movie, and in it a really dramatic person gets a lecture. she’s not allowed to kill herself, because that’s selfish and removes her from all sorts of future interactions she will have with people. in islam, every person is said to have a hole in their soul, the shape of god, who is missing from here. that thought sustains me. one day this mortal coil will unwind and i’ll be free again. until then, i’ll try and create beauty and interact well with others.