i have contemplated suicide many times, and been unsucessful with all attempts. I remember just last xmas i awoke in hospital with a nurse standing over holding a needle near my arm. Just to be told that i was fine and so were my blood results. Yet another overdose that was not to be… I looked at him and asked him angrily Why Did U Not Let me DIE? I am ashamed of myself and disgusted in whom I have become. Dont get me wrong. life is precious. Well… Everyone’s but mine. To put things in context for you…
I was taken away from my mother at 18 months and placed with foster parents. This was not meant for me as i started to get sexually abused from the age of 5yrs to 14yrs. I felt it to normal as it was all i new. Stupidly believed that i wouldnt be wanted unless i said nothing about my abuser. Emotionally destroyed by 14 i have aimlessly wandered through life. Looking for some kind of normality that i so needed. I, since then have had 2 beautiful children and a husband for 14 yrs. I lost them through taking drugs. i know… How stupid of me. I was only taking class A drugs for 2 months and then suddenly stopped. Such a painful way to learn. I lost everything. My children live with their father 200 plus miles from me. Anyway thats irrelavant now. I feel that i am just a waste on resources and time. I need to just go peacefully. I am damaged goods and i dont need to be here. Wish i had the time and endurance to help others to not feel so useless. But its too late. I have all i need to end the life i was cursed with… If anyone can say anything to give me hope i would appreciate it.. Up to you guys… Thanks for reading. Dont give up yourselfs. This is my last resort…
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4 comments
Why did you say “don’t give up yourself” to other people,
while I actually want to say the same to you “don’t give up yourself”..
thanks niki. but i feel as though im hanging on to NOTHING. came here for tips and advice.
but seriously i think i have given up. i said for others to not give up because we all feel this pain. I do not like the thought of anyone feeling like I do right now. I care for humanity …
I don´t know if I feel happy or sorry for you.
I envy you, because you say you hang on to nothing. I do hang on to a lot of people – people I don´t love and who don´t love me, but I feel responsible for. And I hate it.
On the other hand, it is painful to hear you say that the world has nothing to give you anymore. I cannot and will not judge you. You know best what happened to you and why you are lost. But I know one thing – there is more than people in the world.
And some humans are better than the rest of the biomass. I am lucky I met such a person, even if it gives me a lot of pain and sorrow. But thanks to him I am still here. Because I cannot bear the thought that something might happen to him and I wouldn´t be there to help him. I don´t know if it is good or fair that I remain, but it is just the fact. And I didn´t try to kill myself since I know him – despite my grandfather fucking me and me mother beating me up.
If you want to leave nobody may stop you and nobody has the right to try. Just think about it twice.
I wish you the very best – in this world or the next.
I wish you well too. I hope you can find someone to help you through this. Childhood sexual abuse is pretty tough…..I hope they rot in hell. Therapy might help you. You deserve to be happy.