Im tempting to do it, today on my bday

Hey Hugo! Man I FEEL you. I know EXACTLY where you are right now. I know what that emptiness means and what it does to you man. A week ago I was at a suicide stage 4. Plans in place, method chosen, time and place set.

I use to post heavy shit on Face Book, but those FB “friends” are about as “real” as the Tooth Fairy. I actually posted to my wall a “suicide intent” note. I got one response from someone I work with telling me how creative my writing was….huh?…wtf?

The past 3 to 4 weeks I had been consumed with researching the net, looking for the “right” method. I did A LOT of research. In the end I decided on using 2 inert gas methods, one stored and one generated, along with a pre-gas “drug cocktail”. Timing was everything, so every night I worked an the right combo of drugs to what I needed them to do, which was make me unconscious at the right time.

After that I purchased the rest of the equipment etc, that I needed, tested it and then put everything in a closet.

Tonight was suppose to have been the night, but the stuff is still in the closet. Once everything was in place, a calmness came over me. I still want to go, but there wasn’t this frenzied, manic “I’ve got to this now” pressure anymore. I know I can “go” if I need to. I am in control of my life again.(or at least I think I am..lol) One thing that helped me was finding a few various spots on the net, where I could be “me” with all my problems and speak speak freely about them without fear.

And that connection with others just like me, well it made me realize that maybe I’m not so alone after all.

Take a deep breath and man I KNOW how it hurts, but look around. You are among good friends. I haven’t figured out if this site has anyway of communicating privately, but if you ever wanna talk about the shit in your head get a hold of me. Same handle as here I use on Yahoo Messenger or @yahoo.com for email. Hang in there…