It is only life

This is not a short story, but it is true and this will be the first and last time I shall tell it. I suppose it needs to start from my childhood. I was adopted in only one could say a disfunctional family. My parents were seperated from the day I could remember which did not help the situation. I have a brother not of blood, but you could not ask for a better brother in the world.

We moved not just houses but states many times before grade 3, where we settled states but not houses.

I was picked on all through primary school and some of high school, just for being Asain. I would say it was high school I had my first serious thoughts of suicide. I just had enough of all the fighting at home, and being bullied throughout my schooling. My method was suppose to be by knife, I was not too sure how exactly, just that I had collected plenty of knives at the time. I did become a cutter, and after a while you do not feel the pain at all. The less pain the deeper you cut.

Of course as I am writing this I did not end up doing it, some how I found friends and a way of coping through it all. I had lost the urge of comitting suicide for a period of time. As life goes on, it would not be long until it rose up again in my life. The trigger was my the end of my 3 year first love relationship, where she thought it was a good idea to be with what I thought a close friend. As I was still young I had my knives still, and only a little more information of how to end it all.

I fell off the planet to my friends, and distanced myself from my family,but again somehow I managed to soldier on and even got married.

6 years of marriage came crashing down. This time a child involved in the mix. It is not good place to be, and to say the divorce was not pretty is the greatest of understatments. I ended walking away from them all, with not much more than the clothes I could carry and a few personal items. So again hid from this soul destroying life contemplating just to give up.

3 years of being a hermit and some encouragement of a friend, I decided to take a chance and see what the world has to offer. I remarried, and only short time currently find myself at another failure at it. My wife having some issues at the time decided to fly to another country to be with someone else, that she has met on line. I was left with our 2 kids, to look after, but no way to support them for a long period of time. Ended up selling everything of any value just to feed the kids and pay rent.

She is now back, but admits she dose not want to be with me, but due to finance I can not really go anywhere. So every day I have to be in a place I am not really wanted, to live with a person who really dose not want me here.

To tell you the truth I am tired, tired of fighting, tired of picking myself up all the time, tired of this life. There is only so many times you can pick yourself up and keep going.

I have lost my hopes, my dreams, myself, there is nothing left. All I have is looking forward to the end, and the sooner the better. Everytime I find happiness it is only for a brief moment in time before it is all gone again. Why bother? The saying “I should have not been born at all” would have been a great favour.

I have my things organised now for when the time comes.

It is not the end result I fear but the process of it. BUT FEAR can be OVERCOME.