losing strength..

Today is one of the days I don´t know, why I am still around. The whole day I wondered about being here and I wondered about my life so far and what the future might bring for me. The conclusions are not good.

My family is a growing pain in my ass. It was bad for a long time before, but since my dads death in january it is getting worse and worse. I wonder when I´ll reach the deepest dark. And if I am able to stand up again. Right know, I don´t think so.

After July I felt really good and confident – I met Dani and had a beautiful weekend. I felt so save, warm and happy. It was like the world couldn´t harm me, like life itself couldn´t hurt me. Everything that mattered was him around me. When I was near him it felt like childhood, like the time I wondered through a world of dreams and fantasies to escape reality. I even remembered one of my dreams. It used to be my hide-out when the door opend and my grandfather snuck in… I was running through a grove of olive trees somewhere near a wild, mediterranean coast and everywhere bloomed red hibiscus. The air was warm and smelt sweet and a little salty. I don´t know what I was trying to flee from, but I do remember that something or someone chased right after me. And after a few more steps I reached an old hacienda. Nobody was there, except this huge, dark brown wolfhound that was resting lazily on the front porch. It looked at me with a kind of knowing look and I stepped forward, towards the creature and laid down. I knew, I´d be safe as long as the hound is near me. Perhaps this was what people call hope. Almost forgot how that feels. Meeting Dani made me remember. I dreamt the same dream again and again for nearly two weeks.

But now life has come back to my world and I wonder, if I am strong enough to stand up to another year of pain and sorrow. My uncle and grandmother are brewing mischief and wrap it in pink fancy paper while my mother is driving me crazy with her depressions and to crown my life a crack my grandfather wants to go one holiday with me – to celebrate our close link. He even wants to pay my semester abroad. So now I am neither his granddaughter nor his victim, but a fucking whore. I´d rather starve before accepting his charity. And what does my boyfriend say to all of this? Don´t worry, darling. Everything will be alright.

For all the years meeting Dani made me strong, it made me survive another twelve month to see him again. But I´m afraid I reached a point where my hero is not my hero any longer. I´m afraid his presence isn´t enough to keep me alive. He is the light of my life. I am nothing without him, even so I feel like wandering through nothing but darkness right know. Thinking about the next months makes me breathe with great difficulty. I wish I could leave all my sense of responsibility behind and lay down on dads grave, close my eyes and just stopp breathing.

I hate my life!