My Last Breath (Reply to gothicgirl and imyouroldman)

TO Diamondonalandmine:
I have a very close family member who is severely autistic, and like you, I felt a personal obligation to provide him with a future. I felt the conflict that comes from doubting my ability to pull it off versus packing it in thinking/rationalizing that ‘someone else’ might do a better job.
What did I do? I ultimately allowed myself permission to consider that someone else- someone with more experience- might do a better job; and that changed everything, and that’s OK. You are putting yourself under insurmountable pressure, just as I did. It effected me in all aspects of my life, as it is yours, and in the end it even ruined my ability to care for him at all- which is what you are pondering, ultimately. I am not talking about abandoning him, I’m talking about getting some help.
On top of that, you have what is called survivor’s guilt. Why him? Why not you? This is not going to help you much right now, but let me assure you everyone with a family member who is disabled feels this way- it’s a double whammy, and it’s not fair, not fair at all, and my heart breaks for you.
I cannot offer you instant peace (and beware of those who claim they can) but I can offer you this; it DOES get better. You WILL lead a normal life. When and IF the time comes (there is talk of a real cure. Anything could happen) your brother will be eligible for government assistance ($$$ and services) that will pay for his keep. If you choose to be his sole caregiver, (this is many years from now, remember) there is help- in all forms- for YOU as well as him. But, you must not live in this future, you must live for right now. That day may never happen.
I suspect, in addition, you are afraid to do anything in retaliation against this abusive, (cowardly) babysitter because you feel as if you’re trapped by the money the job provides. I know you are not feeling very strong right now (and, boy- how I wish I could be there for you) but I know that by you just writing this letter you have it in you to fight back once you regain your strength- and you WILL- once you realize you have many options available to you and your brother in the future.
And as far as your comment “…doing the world a favor by ridding me”? What exactly do you think you owe the world?! You owe nothing to anybody or anything (except kindness), but you do deserve a nice life- and that’s all in what you make it.
Take care, (and that goes for everybody here)
People Do Care. I care. xo