My own fault.

I decided to do a PhD. My result is due in 3 days. I ahve already viva’d and been given major corrections, so this is the final chance for me. The entire process is not like people imagine – you don’t sit in a sunny drawing room with a brandy snifter philosophising about ‘stuff’ and then just get given a doctorate – you work so hard that sometimes it goes on all night. You hate yourself for being too stupid, for not grasping the points, for screwing up again and again. I look in the mirror and I tell myself I am stupid, because I am. I feel stupid, and for some reason I feel like I deserve to feel this bad. I want it all to ‘stop’, but I don’t know how to make it stop. I want to be dead without killing myself. I hate myself for being so stupid and I expect to fail – so, I have about 3 days left until I spend the rest of my life, however long it is, regretting the fact that I failed. But, at the end of the day, I chose to do this, so I am getting what I deserve.