I intend to kill myself sometime next week. It’s going to hurt, and i’m probably going to chicken out. Again. But the thing is, i don’t really have a choice anymore. I’m rubbish at school, utterly incapable of studying and my study funds will most probably be cut. I haven’t bothered re-applying yet.
I can’t pay for my apartment, which really isn’t my apartment, since it’s i my sisters name…. If i fail to do so, it’s not my financial record it’s going to tarnish, it’s hers.
I know i’m taking the “so called” easy way out, but i just don’t care anymore. All i can do is try to cause as few problems as i can. Granted, there isn’t much i can really do. I’ll clean up the best i can, and then… Down to the bathtub i go with my best knife. School starts soon. Time is ticking. It’s death, or move back home. I have five siblings. The three who remain at home take up all the place there is. There’s just no room for me. Even when i come home to visit, my youngest brothers are straight out telling me to get back to my apartment, simply because they don’t like me. That’s fine, i don’t like them either. Spending any indefinite number of years with them after living on my own would be pure agony. Even my mother… I know all she wants from me is to clean up after them, which is the only reason i come “home” so often.
I just want to be alone. My ideal life after death is not to have one. And if i do, i don’t want to be me. Which is basically the same thing. But to float around the world like a ghost sounds fairly appealing too. I don’t really want to die. But all i want out of life is to read and watch movies. There is just nothing out there that i can do. I’m not a very productive person.
The first time i thought about suicide was around 6:th grade. I’ve wanted it so bad at times…. It comes and goes, but it always comes back. Why? It doesn’t really matter. I’ve come to enjoy it. I love feeling worthless, when i do. Bizarre, isn’t it?
Nobody IRL knows.
/Girl from sweden
*edit* Hey! Music! http://youtu.be/nx68EdDG0Ng
12 comments
Nothing bizarre about any of your post. There are a whole bunch of “us” out here, feeling like you do.
I was “lucky”?, because my suicidal thoughts didn’t start until recently. I don’t know where I would be if they had started years ago.
I always thought I was too strong mentally to EVER have those kind of problems. But we are all only human.
Take each day one at a time. Some will good, some will be bad. It has helped me a lot to know that there are a lot “us” around. It makes you feel a whole lot less alone…
Don’t be afraid to get to know people with the same pain and fear that you have. If you ever need to talk: imyouroldman@yahoo.com
One last thing…Suicide is NOT the easy way out. If it were, people would be dead all over the planet. Take it one day at a time and even though you think you can’t stand another minute, you can and you will.
Just hang on…..hang on tight…
You are definitely not alone,.eeriely, I also feel exactly like you do.
Seriously,.I think this real-world & the Majority of its people
have -sadly- truly lost what’s the Real meaning of being HUMANS. To love, to emphatize, to care for each other. It’s all there, inside each & every one of us.
But alas, instead many are so dictated by the Capitalistic materialistic consumerism (and superficial) System (created by The-Powers-that-Be elites up there, sadly, only very FEW people realize this!), to turn us humans into just another “productive” machines, for CASH-and-DEBT making machines!
I don’t know..the Mayan prophecy and all said that something BIG is going to happen in 2012,.and if the prophecy is correct,.that it’s going to involve the GLOBAL AWAKENING of human’s Consciousness…
I can only hope this will be true..
Or otherwise,.if Nothing happen at that time, and even getting worse,.then I’m probably seriously considering of offing myself of this pathetic soulless real-world too.
Sad…our Planet is truly beautiful, and humans have soo much potentials,
It’s sad how we humanity have come to this tragic point..
People are dead all over the planet, mr. And i’m tired of the “one day at a time” approach. It just makes it worse. It’s like a bog, every step takes you that much closer to drowning… Sure, there are some dry patches, but they’re all just false.
The reason i’m killing myself is because i’m of no use to me. I’m a defect product, and i’d like to be taken back to the store. And disintegrated, if i get a say in the matter. I’m tired of forgetting and repeating entire conversations in my head, conversations that only lead back to this.
I do wonder what my life would have been like if…. Nah. I’d still be here. I’m an inevitable disaster.
You finding school hard.( Incapale of studying) talk to your teacher or maybe change course. If you cant pay for your apartment you got to move back home. I know you dont want to cause you want your own space. You got to talk and tell someone a friend how you are feeling.
It doesn’t matter what the course is! And i don’t have any friends to tell it to. None that close. I did tell a friend i’ve known over the internet for more than two years. It didn’t help. Telling someone you care about that you want to kill yourself, and that they can’t do anything about it is just cruel. Especially if all they’ve known you to be is happy and laughing all the time over silly trivia.
Besides, talking to teachers… People like that, in general, and not just teachers…. I can’t. I freeze. It’s ridiculous. I once had a friend of mine talk to a sales person for me just so i could buy a stamp. It’s gotten better, but… I don’t know. And i don’t know why.
Look if your falling school or finding studying hard you got to talk to teacher’s (people like that) that’s there job dont be embarrassed.
You know, i did try that once. Wound up in a room full of strangers, my mom and some kind of psychologist, who declared, after barely so much as talking to me, that i was probably aspergers. Probably the worst day of my life. I can’t remember most of it.
They called out a psycholgist cause your falling school.
No, because i told a teacher i thought it was difficult.
Honestly, though, i don’t really know what he was. I only know he was something to that effect.
if you’re “normal” machine..I mean human (what’s the difference though these days..?!), then you’d be called “asperger” or any kind of “disorder”.
ah society…crazy thing indeed (just download the song Eddie Vedder – Society, the OST of the great movie “Into the Wild” by Sean Penn).
*checks it out* So… I’m supposed to blame society for how i feel? Eh… Sorry, i’m just not buying it, if that is what you meant.
Also, i am NOT aspergers, OR a computer. Chronically lazy, maybe *snort* I read up on it… The only thing that really fits are my tics, and they’re a real pest.