People don’t see what’s going on inside. They think everything is fine. I’ve accomplished very good things, I’ve raised two fabulous sons by myself, had successful careers, good and bad lovers, done things everyone said couldn’t be done…..
Then my wonderful sons grew up and the requirement to BE THERE was gone. Since then I have just fallen like a house of cards.
While outside I’m still the tough cookie that can handle insurmountable obstacles, overcome all odds….inside I’m crying and hating myself. For years I’ve watched the house of cards crumble around me..card by card. Now I am feeling the brittle defenses inside caving in and I don’t trust my own mind. My heart feels heavy, swollen with years of disappointment loneliness and pain. As these feelings grow they create a snowball, attracting more energetic proof that I truly am a failure with no reason to be here. Every day is a long excruciating exercise in self discipline. I walk past the steak knife and resist plunging it into my stomach so many times, feeling the force of my pain and hatred for myself and the past…the things that were supposed to be full of joy but ended up being so incredibly painful.
I was so disciplined for so many years, focusing on the reasons to live, finding the moments of small hope……
It’s all gone. I’m giving up. I hunger to pull my gun out and fire directly into my brain. I have planned how to do it so that my sons won’t be faced with the mess.
The only thing…..only….only thing that stops me is the certainty that I would hurt them beyond my ability to hurt them. I wish they could understand that I would be so much happier. Life has not been fun. For some of us it just isn’t fun.
When I reconcile that I will be free. I so want to be finished with this life.
5 comments
I hope you don’t go through with your plans….I’m sure it would devestate your sons. Sorry for the guilt trip. Not like you need that.
There must be more to look forward to…..grandkids?
Maybe therapy will help you deal with the empty-nest feeling (if that’s what it is)?
One word: grandkids.
yes grandkids, and if they take too long to arrive, do charity work.
With kids, with homeless, it really helped me to get a goal. I mean if i can’t get a goal of my life… i dedicate it to find a goal for other people.
The only problem is to start. Go there. Once. If you like it like i did… shit i want to live forever so i can continue to help people. It’s like a drug with no side effects.
It isn’t really empty nest. I’m happy to be over that time of my life and wish there were more afterwards. I was a single parent and doing everything to raise my sons drove me for years. I worked hard, made a lot of money to provide for them, didn’t date seriously, never brought men around them. My family was what kept me forging. Underneath was the same desperate sadness and feeling that I don’t deserve to be loved, that there is something wrong with me….I have just never fit in. But for those years the imperative drive to provide made me productive.
Now that is gone. I’m proud of what I accomplished but not only did it scar me I fear that my mind isn’t right and I can’t deal with people in a healthy way. I’m angry for all the times I had to deal with men who would rather stare at my chest than legitimately do business. I’m angry at all the people who told me I was silly for thinking I could do the things I really did do. I’m angry at all the men who told me they loved me and cheated.
Every day’s bureaucracy is overwhelming. I can’t work anymore. I’m losing everything…my home…hell….my dog just attacked another dog….so I may even lose him….going to the mailbox is hell.
Jeez…I just got skunks in my attic….seriously!!!!
I don’t leave the house or interact. I broke up with my boyfriend because I didn’t think it was fair to subject him to my life. I don’t hurt people. I try to help people all the time.
The world just reaches in to my world and lays one crushing blow on top of another. I used to tell myself…that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
I think that it’s killing me. I don’t want to try to make it better anymore. There is just something wrong with me
But I can’t tell you how wonderful it was to hear back from all of you because it is very lonely feeling that you’re at the end of your life. It’s not something you can talk to anyone you know about. It’s a big sad thing inside you.
Thank you:)
Hi lamp
Are you still with us?
Your post was powerful to read. I want this life to be over with too. I’ve had enough. I just wanted to say I can relate to how you’re feeling, because I’m sitting here feeling and living my own horror in my own private hell as well. It is such a lonely feeling to be at the end, isn’t it? And the “thinking of those we’ll leave behind” part just makes it even worse. I guess I’m not alone, because I’ve read your post… and from what I’ve read, you’re feeling just as horrible as I am.
A hug for you from a woman who has also had enough of this life.
🙂