35 year old UK gay failed doc and redy to check out

Hello All – This is my story in an attempt to write things down with the hope that it may help my mind.

I’m a 35 yo gay person who did brilliantly throughout high school, got into the medical school of my choice, studied a second degree while at med school, obtaining a 1st class honours and graduating from med school with distinction. I was able to get into several residency programs, and went on to the one of my choice. I had been suffering from depression for many years, perhaps mainly because I had to deal with issues related to growing up in a homophobic and conservative family. I manged to sailor through my bouts of depression and I was able to cover up, being a social, witty and energetic person. I took, various times, several antidepressants, with little results. I managed to overly have many friends, and eventually while at med school I came out to my family, though initially difficult, they eventually accepted it, though we never talked about the subject. I met several wonderful guys, and had many short-lived relationships. Time went by, and although I did well clinically in my residency I never took the “official exams” that would make one a specialist. This was internally very difficult for me, and it started influencing my self-esteem, I have often wondered why I was so scared of these post-grad exams, and many possibilities spring to mind; I never needed to study during med school, going to lectures and labs was enough for me to pass with brilliant grades. Another possibility was my “fear” of failure… Anyway, time passed by, and again, like with my childhood and adolescence issues I managed to cover up my suffering and difficulties, and managed to secure a good research position, during that time I managed to do well, publishing sufficiently and attending conferences and talks etc. During these years, like during my residency, I was lucky to meet many wonderful guys whom I didn’t appreciate until they were gone… About two years ago my depressions started to get worse and worse, I was under the care of a therapist, whom I would see twice a week, and a psychiatrist. I tried multiple medications and combinations of meds, with little success. I even attended a multi disciplinary 2-week group therapy program. This worked marginally and even went on to get ECT (electro convulsive therapy). This was an extremely cumbersome experience, painful, time consuming and with side effects of memory loss. Not long ago, my contract finished, while I was at my worst. My depression continued to worsen, and I have been suicidal, almost daily for a while. I feel that I have failed in life. It’s been 10 years since I graduated from medical school (i was 25), and I feel that I have wasted my life, not having been able to specialize. I’m not earning much money and have huge amounts of debt. I have failed to be in a stable relationship. By now I should have already finished my specialist training, and be a professor earning significant money and with a steady life. I know that I should look forward and concentrate in the future, and not look at the past, but I cannot help it. It’s a reality that I have messed up, that I have missed many great career opportunities that are probably never to come back. I have missed the boat. I cannot see a future for myself. I’m ashamed of what has happened to my life. Somehow, I just don’t know how 10 years have already gone by. I feel old and unattractive, and being gay, I feel that at this age and with my current status I won’t seem attractive to anyone, and that I will be single for the rest of my life. I cannot help ruminating about the past, what I could have done with my career, about the wonderful guys I met and didn’t appreciate.

I think that life is over for me, I cannot see a way out. I know people say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but my problems aren’t temporary, they are a fact, and a reality. I do not have the financial means to “re-invent” myself, and I don’t know what else I could do outside medicine. The idea of being jobless horrifies me, and I think that it’s time to accept that life is over. I know that people say that I’m feeling so negative because of the depression, but I disagree with that. It’s a reality that I have probably screwed up personally and emotionally and needless to say financially. I have written instructions for my family, guiding them about what to once I’m dead, the document is ready to be printed. I even have planned the method to check out. What is stopping me from doing it, is that it’s always possible for the suicide to fail, and to end up brain damaged but not dead. It’s possible to end up in a coma remaining in bed, unconscious needed constant nursing, needing someone to feed me, to clean my shit and being fully dependent on support. I have thought about leaving a letter indicating my wish not to be artificially supported in case of suicide failing and ending up brain-damaged, but I’m just not sure if my family would respect that, as I think they would probably keep me alive with the hope that I would recover. Another reason for not having done it yet is also the pain I’d give my family, it would devastate them, but lately my suffering is major that this factor isn’t too much of a problem, I just don’t want to end up brain-damaged and not dead.

I’m still doing bi-weekly therapy, but things are just not getting better, and I’m just running out of life. I wish I would just simply die in my sleep, I wish some deadly disease would take me fast and readily. I’m done with life, and I doubt fixing my life is possible at this stage.