I don’t know who I am anymore. I sit all alone in my room in silence wondering what other people think of me. You see I’m like a chameleon, my personality changes when I’m with different types of people….one minute I’m a law abiding citizen that is happy and making jokes (this is an act as I’m falling apart inside) and the next minute I’m cussing, I’m out drinking and buying drugs.
It gets tiring putting on these different ‘masks’ and trying to impress everyone but the truth is I’m extremely afraid of being judged, thats why I hate going to the mall because I think people look at me funny amd judge the way I walk, talk, stand, I think they judge everything about me!
People always say “be yourself” but it’s hard when no one really wants to be with the REAL you. Taking off this this emotional mask reveals my insecurities and makes me vulnerable. It takes me to a place I don’t want to go as there is alot of hurt, anger, and shame behind this mask.
Why can’t life be easier? Why can’t highschool be a place where everyone has the chance to fit in? And why can’t people accept me for ME? These are some of lifes questions that I struggle to answer.
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1 comment
It’s good you realize this now; it all only dawned on me in the last 2-3 years and I’m 25 now. I’ve told my younger brother over and over that life before college is learning how to act like everyone else. Going to school, socializing with the rest of your generation and learning how to simply be; it’s more than ABC’s 123’s. Despite what the administration would have you believe, going to school about is pushing out any bit of individuality and replacing it with the ‘productive citizen’ personality.
You’ve got some anxiety issues obviously but I’d say that you’re ahead of the game, simply because you understand that it is a game. The advantage is yours now; don’t wait for your college/university years to discover who you truly are. Create a mask of your own design now!
Life is rejection and loneliness if you’re unlucky. Truth is, more people than you think understand you and would accept you. Maybe not to the full extent that you’d like, but be realistic; no two snow flakes are alike.
Everyone where’s masks, from the happy shiny people of the world to the lowly drudgeons. I find that having a full set of masks can get you much further in life than most others without as many. I suggest confronting the issues behind the mask as soon as possible. Trust me when I say that procrastination will just make everything worse. Get it out of the way now, before you go into real life; high schools a sandbox.