I’ve been following this site for about a month now, but this is my first post on here. I don’t want to get into my backstory and bore everyone, but I’ll probably end up doing that anyways. I don’t even really know what I want to accomplish by writing this. Alleviate some pressure I guess.
I feel like I have nothing left in this life. And then when I find myself thinking that, I tell myself that I’m being an ungrateful little prick, because I have so much. I think there’s something seriously wrong with my brain. If I have nothing worthwhile left, then it should stand to reason that losing anything in my life wouldn’t bother me. But I know that’s not true. Hell, just having my friends all leave for university has pushed me down to a new low, I can’t even imagine what I’d be like if they were gone for good. But I just feel so numb all of the time.
I hate the way I look, and I know it’s so stupid and superficial, but I do. And I hate myself for caring. I can’t stand superficial people, and yet I feel the need to appease them by looking different than I do. I’ve all but stopped eating, and I’m exercising a lot too, in hopes that maybe I can become appealing to other people. Because I’m so alone, and I just want someone to make me feel loved. But I know even if I do end up becoming “attractive”, it’ll never get me anywhere on that front, because I’m completely socially awkward. I honestly have a hard time believing that I’ll ever find love again, because I’m pretty sure I fucked up my one chance with the one person who was actually willing to look past my deficiencies, and wait it out while I became comfortable enough with them.
We went out for a few years and were even planning to move in together, had a place picked out and everything. Then it just exploded one day. We got in a fight, didn’t talk for a couple days and I knew it was over, then just had it confirmed for me next time we saw each other. The worst part of it though, is that she hates me now. Absolutely loathes my very presence. I’ve tried to call her but she doesn’t answer me and doesn’t reply to my messages or anything. And it’s not as if I’m calling begging to get back together. I just want this person in my life, because I care so much about her. I miss the twinkle in her blue eyes when she’s about to laugh, and I miss the way the sun would beam off of her red hair. I just want some sort of relationship with her, intimate or not, she’s my best friend. I realized today how pathetic and sad it is, that the person I care about more than anything else in this world, is essentially living as though I don’t exist. It makes me want to die.
Sorry this got so long, essentially, I’m a pathetic loser.
2 comments
Forgive yourself.. you are only human, you can make mistakes. What you can do is to learn from it, and try to keep going forward, because Life’s nature is essentially about change.
If you really value her so much though, just try to tell her very honestly about it. If she’s still willing to understand, then she might probably be thinking the same about you, but if not, let the Life’s ink painted it as one of ur beautiful memories to cherish, and then move on. Know that if there WAS a girl who cared about you, then logically there WILL also be another girl who’ll care for you…you just have to give it a chance.. A change also, essentially. At least it’s much better than to keep always regretted and thus only stayed ‘stuck’.
Move, press on, and flow. That’s the nature of life.
Be cool. All my friends are gone too, only their on deployment. and I do care about someone who keeps pushing me away when i try to help. i’m not in love with her i jus want her to be happy. but sometimes we’re not the right people to help certain people. sometimes the best way to help someone or make someone happy is to jus be happy ourselves. Don’t worry about her. I know you want her but it might be best for you too. Get a hobby bro. and stay in touch wit your friends in college. because their on in college and your not shouldn’t mean your any lower. all my friends went to college and i didn’t and they still love me jus the same. and the same will happen for you too. jus be cool man things’ll look up