Lost And feeling alone

  September 2nd, 2011 by misunderstood1972

for the past two months I have been crying everyday I feel like crap and have been planning to kill myself everyday. I ger about 2 hrs maybe 5 if I’m lucky of sleep . I wake up in the middle of the night regretting they ways I look and I even tried breaking my finger. I use to b bullied for 7 yrs as a child I am now 16 and I still live with the memories of my past. I feel ugly , worthless all the names they called me while I just sat there, the quiet child ,the one who was too quiet, too smart etc. I show my body because it makes me feel prety like im one of the pretty girls the one boys are jelous is taken (I have a bf ) and girls wish they were. I have had bags under my eyes for as long as I can remember and was always told I look like I’m on drugs. I recently got my braces off and to me after being told they were so ugly I couldn’t b friends with ppl when I was little, I wanted them to b perfect..when I seem a little bump I filed it.. I filed it so much it became see through and now I have to live with these teeth forever. In my quest to b perfect I ruined my own life my self. Mu teeth were the oy thing that I hates about myself that could b fixed for the better. After getting braces I looked forward to putting my bullying says and 30 pounds of make up behind me and b happy with myself. I knkw your thinking this girl is thinking of suicide over her teeth but it’s not just that . It’s everything it’s my past, the fact that everyone expects me to just b happy and forget what happened , the threats the police the school changes the loneliness …that I feel ugly that I have bad self esteem that I have a bf who is the only person j told these feelings to and he ignores me and leaves me alone to my thoughts and my mother wanting me to b exactly like her and b a fighter and she picks apart everything about me amd puts me dwn … I was always a cutter I tried many times to swallow enough pills or strand myself and they all failed. I just wanna die and not have to deal with the loneliness or expectations or the next 80 years of this cruel world. I been looking up on buying guns, using benadryl, drinking anti freeze, asphyxiation , stabbing myself and so mich more. I have these moments when I’m so happy and the out of no where I become a depressed suicidal person . I have told my mom I wanted to kill myself last month and I just got yelled at and told to leave the house for threatening HER instead of seeing I need help she’s thinking of herself as always … I just feel there’s nothing I want to live for . I feel bad for leaving ppl who love me ESP my bf behind but there not the ones who have to deal with this constant pain and feeling like this and thinking like this. At the end of the day when there laughing and having a good time I’m still feeling the pain . I’m going out of my mind. I get irritable when ppl or family try talking to me and then I get in trouble and feel like commuting it even more. I just feel like nows the time. Before school starts to just off myself and for once make myself happy …

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