for the past two months I have been crying everyday I feel like crap and have been planning to kill myself everyday. I ger about 2 hrs maybe 5 if I’m lucky of sleep . I wake up in the middle of the night regretting they ways I look and I even tried breaking my finger. I use to b bullied for 7 yrs as a child I am now 16 and I still live with the memories of my past. I feel ugly , worthless all the names they called me while I just sat there, the quiet child ,the one who was too quiet, too smart etc. I show my body because it makes me feel prety like im one of the pretty girls the one boys are jelous is taken (I have a bf ) and girls wish they were. I have had bags under my eyes for as long as I can remember and was always told I look like I’m on drugs. I recently got my braces off and to me after being told they were so ugly I couldn’t b friends with ppl when I was little, I wanted them to b perfect..when I seem a little bump I filed it.. I filed it so much it became see through and now I have to live with these teeth forever. In my quest to b perfect I ruined my own life my self. Mu teeth were the oy thing that I hates about myself that could b fixed for the better. After getting braces I looked forward to putting my bullying says and 30 pounds of make up behind me and b happy with myself. I knkw your thinking this girl is thinking of suicide over her teeth but it’s not just that . It’s everything it’s my past, the fact that everyone expects me to just b happy and forget what happened , the threats the police the school changes the loneliness …that I feel ugly that I have bad self esteem that I have a bf who is the only person j told these feelings to and he ignores me and leaves me alone to my thoughts and my mother wanting me to b exactly like her and b a fighter and she picks apart everything about me amd puts me dwn … I was always a cutter I tried many times to swallow enough pills or strand myself and they all failed. I just wanna die and not have to deal with the loneliness or expectations or the next 80 years of this cruel world. I been looking up on buying guns, using benadryl, drinking anti freeze, asphyxiation , stabbing myself and so mich more. I have these moments when I’m so happy and the out of no where I become a depressed suicidal person . I have told my mom I wanted to kill myself last month and I just got yelled at and told to leave the house for threatening HER instead of seeing I need help she’s thinking of herself as always … I just feel there’s nothing I want to live for . I feel bad for leaving ppl who love me ESP my bf behind but there not the ones who have to deal with this constant pain and feeling like this and thinking like this. At the end of the day when there laughing and having a good time I’m still feeling the pain . I’m going out of my mind. I get irritable when ppl or family try talking to me and then I get in trouble and feel like commuting it even more. I just feel like nows the time. Before school starts to just off myself and for once make myself happy …
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Wow your words have touched a very sensitive spot as I feel EXACTLY the same. I have to go back to school next week and I’m dreading it like hell. I, just like you have no one to talk to and I feel alone and scared, but if you do need to talk don’t hesistate to e-mail me: morekgosi4@gmail.com
I’m not a professional, but I’m in the same position so maybe we could help each other out.
Good luck 🙂
Hi misunderstood1972,
Thank you for sharing. I’m suicidal, so I hope I can relate. Please correct me if I’m wrong.
My impression is that you’re a sensitive person coupled with the fact that you have experienced psychological abuse from a young age. This has left you with low self-esteem, self doubt, depression, loneliness and sleeping difficulties. Also, you’re having trouble at school, at home and in your relationship. And all this together has you feeling suicidal, wanting the peace of death.
I’m hoping maybe you can find the peace you seek in life, instead. The only way I know of to battle low self-esteem, is doing things the way you feel is right for you. For example, if you think I’m full of shit and don’t understand you, don’t follow my advice. When you act in a way you honestly feel/believe to be right, that builds self-esteem. (It’s a slow process.)
Self-doubt, I would handle in a similar way: By acting. In other words, when in doubt, act. Try doing something. The worst that can happen is that you make a mistake and learn from it. Sometimes our body knows what to do, before we are conscious of it.
Regarding depression, find out what activities make you forget yourself, because you get absorbed in them. And try to do them as much as you want. It should help you forget yourself and just act, just live. It might also help you to know yourself better.
Regarding loneliness, the advantage of doing things you enjoy and get engrossed in, is that you’re likely to meet people who enjoy the same things, and that makes it easier to get to know each other. I think it is fantastic that you’ve opened up to your bf and mother about feelings, and it’s really sad that they aren’t mature enough to listen. But some people are. They might be rare, but try and find them.
Sleeping difficulties can definitely make life hell, I dunno why you can’t sleep, but I know there are some good habits that can help, namely:
If you can’t sleep, don’t stay in bed. Get up and do some mindless physical activity (not too challenging) like ironing or doing the dishes or something. But don’t watch tv or use a computer. When you’re so tired you can hardly stay awake, go back to bed. This should teach your body that the bed is for sleeping (and sex).
Also, try to keep a regular sleeping pattern, go to bed and get up at the same hours every day.
Make sure your bedroom is dark, not too hot or cold, and well ventilated.
If none of this helps, there are sleep experts out there, and they can often help you learn to sleep without the need for drugs. Try and find one.
Regarding your appearance: We all have our flaws, some of us more than others. A dentist should be able to fix you tooth, but even if you don’t feel beautiful, chances are someone else will. We aren’t designed to fall in love with ourselves, which is just as well. The bags under your eyes might go away if you start sleeping better, or they might be part of you, something you’ll have to live with. I’m sure they are bigger in your mind than in other people’s.
One thing that struck me when I read your story was that you called yourself the quiet, smart kid. Which means you’re in short supply. Just ’cause many people are loudmouths, doesn’t mean we all have to be. Personally, I love quiet people, who know how to listen. And I’m sure your “smartness” could be of great value to other people.
That’s why I’m hoping you’ll reconsider. “You’re still young” is such a cliché, but you really are. There’s plenty of time to off yourself, if you prefer that. Whatever you do, I hope you find peace.