Momm, dad? Friends, foe? Family, school? me…

With a year and nine months sober,  my life is a complete shit show. Ive been on hold with the phone company for two hrs now. this happens to me on a weekly bases.  I live in a basement, and when people walk upstairs it rocks my walls. My rent was recently raised and the cocroaches that are crawling around on the floor makes no sence for that to be hapenig. My car is breaking down and its nearing registration time. I just found out im pregnant and I cant even imagine if i had the child, even if i gave it up for addoption, my physical and mentle state would be severly put at risk if I do.  Im  about to loose my 3.7 gpa because im falling behind in classes since the grand news. Im in the 3000 levels and they are  finally putting me to the test with my capabilities. Today, I really felt like taking myself out to dinner because all of the stress, so i did. I came home and threw it all up. My parents are decesed and im all ive got is a trust fund. This is all i have left of them and i cant touch it till im a graduate or till i turn 30. My parents were unique people. My mother was a distributer for Nintendo and father a Navy seal.  They eventualy bolth died in a manor that is not so appealing like what they did for a living. Father; suiciede. Mother; overdose. Uncle; suicide. Grandfather; suicied.

Lucky me, I get a family medical history that goes to prove that i myself may have some sort of incident as they do. Haha, yea right! Ill just die a lonley old crazy women throwing my guts up and working on the street. Oh, my mother did that. She worked in a brothel in chicago after she got kicked out of college for being late for curfuew. This is back in the 40’s so it doesnt supprise me.

I wish I had a better life. When i was placed in foster care i relized i was on my own and things were bad, actually they were the same. But ever since i can remember when ever i  try to pick my self up of the floor I do pretty well, its just that schools getting harder and I dont want to suffer like this anymore. I want to be able to pay for a decent couniler, not a gov supplied one. I want to be able to go on a trip when I need to leave the city and not have a car that wont make it keep me from that. I want to have tutors to help me through school because i know i can do it if i can get a little help… I alway have.

But, now it seems as if my road of trying is coming to an end because im out of resorces and i cant pull my hair out anymore over all of this stress. I wish i could just go home and take a nap on my mothers leather couch with the celling fan blowing cool wind through my hair, and know shes in the other room and that im safe. I wish i could swim every morning before i start my day just like i used to back when i was on the swim team. I wish my phone would ring and it wasnt a doctor or a collection agencie. MY LIFE IS WHAT IVE MADE OF IT, AND EVERY TIME I TRY TO CHANGE THERE IS NOTHING LEFT BUT LOST HOPE. I know i have so much to give, i know i am smart and i know i can do this. Its really that i just dont know if i want to.