they said that it will be better in the morning… 9 years have past and no, it was not better in the morning… for 9 years its only gotten worse!! each cut leaves a new scar, a new memory a new tear!! it is not fair!! night after night he came into my room… he took more then I could EVER give!! not once did he ask… not once… but hey cheer up it will get better right??? BULLSHIT!! Life does not get better!! nothing makes sense… EVER!!!! I wish I was not so afraid to die…
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Take back from him. Take what’s yours.
r.i.p. your innocence; I wish I could give you a hug, or a gun.
Are you out of this situation now? Are you safe? Have you spoken to anyone about this?
I am concerned too. Please explain what’s going on. I’d like to help you if I can. If only to give you comforting words.
Some things in life you just can’t take back, no matter how hard you try!! I don’t want a gun, you see, it’s not like I want to die, but suicide seems to a be the only way out… no matter how many new and wonderful memories I make, the old ones will ALWAYS be there to remind me of who I really am, how worthless I have become and ofcourse that never will I be “clean” again ever… and please don’t tell me to bath or shower, cause that won’t be funny… please!! I am out of that situation now, yes, but every nightmare and every scar takes me right back there…. 9 years is not that long after all… I tried to talk to someone, but I can’t!! I am writing a book now though. it kind of helps, but not really if you get what I’m saying!! I want it out of me so badly, but the words are stuck…
I know, sometimes writing can open up a lot of memories… but you have to remember, ‘who you really were’ was who you are when you are happy. That is your true nature shining through, try to focus on that. I know its really hard to talk to people, but you must – if you’re not ready for face to face yet, there are many crises telephone lines you can call and talk to a trained councellor. It’s great that you are talking to us here, but we are not proffessionals, and they have much more experience in specific trauma.
I’m glad you are out of that situation now, but I am sad that you feel suicide is the only answer (SO UNTRUE!). I hope you can remember these two things: 1. You don’t want to die, you can be happy, 2. Memories are just ghosts of the past, and they can’t hurt you now.
You are strong.
memories hurt… I swear to you, they do!! You give really good advice though =)… I am thinking of going to counselling this holiday so we’ll se… I’ll give it a fair chance and all. I want to become a social worker actually =)… bi t ironic hey?? I can’t even help myself, but I want to help others… i am capable of doing it though… really I am… I am just afraid… afraid of feeling, rememberig and most of all… accepting… I don’t want to accept reallity… It hurts to much… My mother told me that I am a fuck up, even though she’s the one who tried to commit suicide when I was in grade one… and she kept going strong from there on out… weird how people always focus on others shortcomings so that they don’t have to face their own faults… Do you think that people who commit suicide go to heaven??
Haha I was thinking of going to social work too! Thing is helping others helps yrself. Talking to u all, has helped me in ways u will never know. I can see how strong u r how much conviction u have I think u could do anything u wanted. My hat off to you, lady. Sorry yr mum is like that… but at least yr a fuckup who can help people. I don’t believe in afterlife… but suicide is sad… cuts me deep that people feel that trapped esp one like u who is so capable. U have the potential to help a lot of people
haha =) I will help a lot of people!! trust you me!! It really does help “talking” with all of you!! suicide is sad, I don’t feel like commiting suicide today =) it’s been a good day!! No cutting =). how’s your day been??
why dnt you do social work??
My day has been fine, thanks for asking. Nothing special, I worked. It was better than yesterday, I started a job with a new client, I thought they hated me, but today I think they like me and I was just being paranoid. I hate new clietns, I always get paranoid they don’t like me.
I’m a bit torn with social work. See right now I work in creative industries… I love my job. But, like what happens with all jobs, no matter how much you like it, at some point it does just become a job, and you get jaded and frustrated with the rules you have to follow. For now, I really like just talking to people, but I am in no way mentally stable enough to enter it professionally! I am also not quite ready to go back to school… already got a 3 year bechelor and 2 year masters under my belt… the idea of going back to uni (at age 30!) is intimidating…
It’s definately an option I will keep in mind, but for now I’m just not ready. I have a good friend who is a social worker, I admire the hell out of her for it. But she does get frustrated also, mostly with her colleagues who are religious, and try to push that on their clients. But she loves her job and finds it really rewarding, even though it’s long and unpredicatble hours, and stressful, you can’t put a value on the work those people are doing.
I hope eventually you stop cutting for good. I stopped cutting this year. My boyfriend (now ex) walking in on me and saw me one day. Now he cuts. I swore I’d never do it again. See, it might seem like an obvious statement… but no good ever comes from a negative action. Negative actions get compounded, and worse and worse, and… I don’t want to hurt any more people with my pain. So I’m trying to be happier, you know?
I understand! I am glad that you stopped cutting yuorself, it relly is not worth it… one day I to will believe that!! I also don’t think that I am ready for social work, bu tI have to plan my life or like, have some or other goal which I need to achieve, other wise I get depressed and that’s when the thoughts of suicide make their wonderful apearance to me!! If I have something to hope in, even though I do not believe in hope, I feel that life is worth living… I don’t really know if anything I say ever makes sense, but I hope that they do!! Life is complicated, but it can be fun!! I found a new place at the University, it is the roof of one of the buildings, I can see the sea from up there. I go and sit there just to escape reality for a while!!
I understand that you don’t want to hurt people, but you cannot pretend to be happy if you are not!! find true happiness in life, it does exist, we just don’t look deep enough… =)
Pft, how can you not believe in hope? What do you think keeps this rock rotating?! Why else do migrants jump on leaky boats, and people strap themselves to rainforrests, and people work in boring dead end jobs? Thats all hope – hope that things will get better, hope that their children’s lives will be easier. And it’s all true. Those migrant who jumped on leaky boats (my parents were some) their children grew up to be white collar proffessionals. Some people saved some trees and those who work in boring dead end jobs get to come home to families and experience small pleasures that makes shit worthwhile. right now I’m just getting off on the hope that some poor kid isn’t gonna off themselves because they misinterpreted something I said.
Your new place sounds awesome. There is something theraputic about being able to see the sea. (and hear it as well…)
Nobody is saying you have to pretend to be happy. But… I think to an extent you can control how unhappy you are. That is what I am working on, and why I stopped cutting… small steps!