Seriously Debating

Hi guys. I’m just going to anonymously rant for a while.

I’ve been clinically depressed for the last 7 years, and it’s just getting worse and worse and I can’t see a way out. I’ve recently broken up with my boyfriend/fiancee of 5 years just half a month ago, my studies aren’t going well (I’m studying piano and no matter how hard I’m working it never seems to be enough), and I keep getting nightmares about my past experiences when my uncle raped me when I was 7 years old. I had a really big nervous breakdown today and lately I haven’t been able to sleep and all I’ve been thinking about is how to kill myself in a painless and efficient way, and I’ve been writing rough drafts of my will and letters to my parents and friends. From what I’ve been reading, it seems that a ********/helium exit bag is the best way out, but it’s just going to be so difficult obtaining said items, and the next best method I’ve read about is with the whole exhaust pipe + car method, except I don’t even have a car because I’m living in my campus dorm right now. And I don’t want to freak out my roommate either by having her find my body in our room (because a girl living on my floor last year killed herself with a gun and her roommate was very very VERY upset about it) but I’m not sure where I can go to do it either.

It’s just there’s too much to think about when I just want it to be over…and I’ve had many different psychiatrists over the years and they keep telling me it’s going to get better except it doesn’t feel that way. Help? 🙁