My final days are fast approaching. I finally am looking forward to something. I made the mistake of saying something to my mom and what do I get back? She tells me I’m a spoiled, selfish brat that wants to hurt everyone I possibly can just because I can’t get what I want. But it’s ok, because I don’t care anymore. I told her that too…. That I don’t care about anything or anyone and it’s not selfish, but I don’t expect her to understand. She says, just tell yourself you are happy and you will be. Riiiiiight. That’ll make nearly 18 years of hating myself and being depressed, cutting, wishing on a daily basis I was dead because I’m already dead on the inside, go away.
I hate to even think it, but I’m a little scared. Maybe it’s more nervous. But every time I have backed out, I’ve regretted it. I have to do it this time. I can’t keep going like this.
2 comments
I know how that feels, even though I’m younger. I haven’t been able to off myself either. But I don’t need to live for other people… I only need to live for me. I don’t need them, and in all actually, neither do you. If the way you feel has been caused by someone else, then they don’t really know you and their opinion doesn’t matter. But if it’s you that feels like you can’t do it anymore, for your own reasons… whatever you do I hope you find peace.
The way I feel isn’t caused by someone else. It’s me. I have struggled with this a long time. I’m not depressed because of a breakup or anything. I’m not depressed because my family treats me like shit. I’ve learned to deal with all those things through therapy. But I can’t deal with myself. The thoughts that constantly flood my mind. The dreams. The fantasies of killing myself. The reality of my life and what it will never become. I have only lived for me up to this point. I have done everything I’ve wanted, despite what others think. But I’m still not happy. I never will be. I’ll never even be just ok. I cry everyday, for no reason. This time is different. This time I have a fool proof method. This time it will work. Guaranteed. And I will finally find peace. I hope you do too.