I became suicidal at the age of twelve until I was 24 ish because my knowledge of the world and it’s history was limited to the world view of those who raised me with destructive habits. I kind of knew better when left on my own to just explore nature and have fun. Man’s created world is pretty depressing, but the natural world is exciting and interesting and delightful. Even people can be delightful. I’ve become a lover of life itself and my great goal to is to be an active centurion. Have you ever seen Kino’s Travels? I am 45 now and life is so precious and my four kids are superb. Life has totally rocked us and we have endured some totally screwed up stuff. But I have friends who pointed me to some important facts about history and I realized it’s going to be ok and it’s ok to just enjoy the little stuff. In fact, that is the whole point. Like a test. You win the life test when you keep love in your heart no matter what.
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This really speaks to my heart, somehow..
I find MAN to be the most interesting thing in the world. It’s amazing or how far we’ve come, how much one specifies has changed so much and how our way of life has changed the instincts of other species. We’ve come so far and we are the one species whop actually has thought about our conscious emotions. we are the only species who truly has the ability to expand our way of thinking and i find that has to be the most amazing thing on the face of the earth. even germs don’t have the power the human mind does.
the human mind can be extremely destructive. the human mind lives life in the past and in the future.
Thank you for your comments. I feel moved to email you peeps if it’s ok with you. I am not sure how I landed on this site. I was drinking and goofing off and typed something into the google search about killing or dying or whatever, more than likely in reference to the weeds in my yard. I was in love with the most wonderful person in high school but never told him and he killed himself during mid term break. He was a senior, I was a junior and we sat next to each other in creative writing class. He was voted “nicest eyes” he had gorgeous grab you blue eyes and good looks that just grabbed your soul and I was voted most creative – I have a God given art talent and have come to appreciate all my blessings after so much pain. My pain has been from never being able to find the right mate in life and I thought maybe the reason is because he killed himself before we were ready to have a life together. My children and I have suffered from abuse and sadistic cruelty but have learned to escape and protect ourselves. Being trapped in a cruel relationship sucks the life and will out of a person, but we are NOT trapped forever and self pitty is our worst enemy. We must NOT give up or believe the lies of our jail keepers. I spent years in the wild because nature makes sense, even vicious animals run on instinct. People I could not trust because their actions were insane. Then I studied psychology and things started to make sense – then I studied CRIMINAL psychology and my family made sense, then I studied the Bible and the whole world made sense – well not really – but I understood what the deal is here, anyway. And this was after studying all other religions, philosophies, etc. As a kid I saw that bloodshed and bullshit was from peeps and I wanted to know why. So I set out to learn what motivates peeps to do stuff. Talk about biting off more than you can chew. The answers have just dustlefroogled my beligertoot, ya know?
We have been through so much. I had a total nervous break down ten years ago and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder plus other “unsolvable” health conditions since then, but there is always another person worse off than me and I say “Hey, I can do this somehow”. My children are what saved me. I was not enough to live for, but they need me. I HAVE to prove to them what I myself did not believe- that life is a precious gift to be treasured. I could not teach them unless I taught myself first. Otherwise I am just another fraud. Thank you again for your comments. Hugs, Daggsy