The thought of it calms me down

I feel strange the thing that calms my anxiety and depression and prevents me from hurting myself, is ironically the thought of suicide. When I think about killing my self and having a hope that an effective exists actually feels reassuring that there is a way out if things don’t work out for me. I never really proactively tried to kill myself because I am not impulsive, but I have dabbled with the idea. I am also a procrastinator, so when I full extremely awful, I decide I am going to kill myself but I naturally procrastinate like I do with every task. The thought and the option and the planning of suicide calms me down for a bit, I become happy for some period because I have suicide as an option. I just think it is ironic.