Honestly… I’m not really sure what to write here.
I think the main thing is, is that I want to get over this fucking mind block that I’ve developed. Yes, I know I have depression, and it’s pretty bad. But I seem to chalk everything up to it.
It’s kind of pathetic.
Not a day goes by when I don’t think about killing myself or how much of a phony I am. Nothing ‘bad’ has ever happened in my life. I have many interests and skills, people who respect me, supportive friends and a loving family. So what right do I have to say that Life is not something that I deserve or need? There are so many people out there who have experienced horrors that I can’t imagine. But I’ve never had that. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.
And try as I may, I can’t bring myself out of this hole that I’ve put myself in. Everything is a dream, and it seems all I want is death. I can’t talk to anyone about this, though. I can’t put my exact thoughts out there. The instant I say ‘I want to die’. People look at me and don’t know what to say. It makes me feel like a freak.
For some reason though, every  time I try to kill myself, or to cut open my veins, I think about the repercussions that would rebound onto my family. The burden of unbearable grief it would give them. Then I think all over again about how I wish that I wasn’t so intellectual. Why can’t I just let go? Tenacity, it seems, is one of my strong points in this respect.
It’s a vicious circle. All these thoughts run over and over through my head all the time, and they become so muddled and muddied that the clarity they once possessed is lost. My life is one big contradiction, it seems. I want to die, but I don’t. I want to find love, but I don’t. I want to do well in life, but I don’t. I see myself as someone that matters in the lives of those I care about, but I feel like i’m just a burden. I want to get better, but I don’t.
All I know, is that I don’t want to perpetually go in and out of hospitals and mental health care institutions. I just want to know if there are other people out there who think the same as I. I don’t even want to know if there’s hope. I don’t think I can stomach it.
So. Is there any body out there who can hear me? Who can tell me that what I feel makes sense, and isn’t just abnormal? Is death really the answer? Or do I have to go on, shouldering fruststration like this, waiting for those stupid anti-depressants to kick in or waiting for my next appointment with a shrink?
Can anyone answer me?
7 comments
Yeah. There are people out there like you. I am. I just got to a new college. It’s been almost 2 weeks and I hate it. I have no motivation to go on and do things in my life and to get involved. I have an amazing life. I’m very smart and in a great college, supportive parents, and especially an amazing girlfriend, and loyal friends back home who i talk to a lot. I hate it here though. I hate everything and i have no reason to. It makes me feel sick to my stomach and a lot worse.. It’s weird there’s other people out there like that
How old are you? Depression is sadly very common in teenagers, which I guess you are. Talk to someone, even if it’s hard and scary, best probably to a professional counsellor or doctor, they should not be freaked out by hearing your suicidal thoughts. There is so much that can be done, with medication and therapy. But only you can make it happen. You sound like a good person, the way you agonize about the pain you would cause your family, so please take that first step. I am a mum of two teenage sons myself, I would not want them to suffer silently. If they were to confide in me that they felt suicidal I would first give them the biggest hug, then thank them for talking to me, and then move heaven and earth to help them. So maybe you can talk to your family???
And BTW, I’ve been in and out of a psych hospital, and it was not the worst place to be. Not sure of course of what’s available to you. Good luck, I am here to talk if you ever need to.
@ Endophein –> I totally hear you. I hope that you get your motivation back – and thanks for letting me know your situation I’m 20. I’ve already spoken to countless doctors and I’ve been to a psych hospital (it wasn’t that bad, but I hated the way the nurses didn’t trust me or think of me as a human being – they looked at me like I was abnormal) and I’m on meds, but so far nothing’s changed.
As for my family – they don’t really believe that I’m suicidal. They also, don’t know what to do with me. They want to help, but they aren’t saying the right things, which is obviously what was going to happen – No one knows what’s in my head more than I.
I thank you for your advice though 🙂
Oh, Lol – half of that message was for you abuse survivor 🙂
🙂
I got that.
Keep going, there are different meds. Sorry that things are so difficult for you, and sorry for the way you were treated by the nurses in the hospital. My experience was much better, the nurses were actually wonderful.
I cant believe that your parents don’t believe you, but then again I can. My mum could never handle me being suicidal, she just had to close her eyes to it. I’ve been recently going through some tough two years, three stints in hospital, and the worse I got the less she called (she lives on the other side of the world from me.
Hmmm, I just found good friends who gave me the nurturing and care that I should have gotten from my parents but never did. Maybe you have to do the same. Fortunately you are at an age where you can be independent from your parents.
Alternatively maybe tell your family what they need to say, if they don’t know how but do want to help you. Give them a list of do’s and don’ts, in writing if its easier, for example, don’t act shocked if I talk about being suicidal, just accept and hug me. Believe me when I tell you something, even if you don’t like it. You don’t have to fix things for me, just love me and listen to me…. what ever is right for you of course, these are just examples that would work for you.
They sound as if they just need some help to do the right thing by you.
I so hear where you are coming from. My depression is treatment resistant, and I have a few other conditions which also drive me constantly towards suicide, but because of my sons, giving up is not an option. Something in what you wrote just touched me, and I keep thinking, what if that were my son (I am 46, so age-wise you could be).
Love, Angelika
There’s something about this site that just opened my heart right up. I feel so much love for you and every one else that posts stuff here. I think every one of us deserves to get better and find their own places in the world. I hope that this becomes a reality soon. <3
same same