Unwritten.

My life is complicated. My world is crumbling. I need help but where should I go. I feel weird calling a hotline. My problems are not anyone else’s but mine right? I’m not sure but maybe writing this will help me and someone else, all you can do is hope right?

I guess feeling horrible about myself started about 5th grade as soon as I moved to VA. Being the new geeky kid, with no friends that didn’t help. I mean I had my first “love” in 6th grade. (What a loser right?) Loving him was like my need to breathe, we ended up getting together eventually about 2 years later in a serious relationship, he ended up raping me at the end of my freshman year in high school. Love Stinks. I stayed with him and continuously let him put me farther and farther into depression and anger. Even after my parents found out, I lied to protect him and told them it was a mutual decision. I ended up in therapy for 3 years to get my head on straight (according to my parents). Not that they have been anything but supportive, but they don’t know the whole story.

I guess after that I just kinda felt lost we broke up almost 7 months after the first time, I just let him hurt me even after when I felt stronger my stress levels after him kept me in and out of the hospital for many reasons.

My parents well they are incredible and keep me wanting to do better for myself but it is a lot of pressure when your life feels empty and like its falling apart piece by piece til there could possibly be nothing left.

As of right now I am a 20 year old college student with as most like to say everything to live for but me I feel like it would all be much easier if it all went away. Although the feelings of dying have come and gone multiple times this feeling is constant. Two months ago if you asked me how I would feel I would tell you I have never felt better. I have my own apartment had an excellent job, the best of the best when it comes to best friends, and an incredible family. Now….

I am a college student starting over at a new school, with no friends, still have my own apartment barely getting by because my job was lost and starting a new job is incredibly stressful, I don’t have much time to do anything but work and school…but then there is coming home. I thought living with my best friend was the best thing to choose. However, 3 months after moving in she gets this boyfriend. I am not the type to complain but to keep it short he is a total jackass, he lives here half the month eats everything he sees, uses our electricity, water, and everything else and never contributes. I hide my food in my own home…

She is okay with that though. So I have to be too, good friends are anything but unsupportive. By the way he told me I was an awful person on my birthday. She didn’t defend me, still doesn’t. I hate him, hate her too most of the time. I love her, but not when he is around.

Being without a best friend and a family who tells me “I told you this would happen!” well at this point, I have nothing left but sitting here and crying. I wish I could type forever and tell you my story in full but this is it in a nutshell.

I guess being raped started it, my life will never be the same constantly feeling like shit about myself. How I love will always be compromised at the thought of being hurt. I am not sure what to feel, do I have enough to live for to stay strong and fight this, or am I too weak to keep this up. This front I put on every day this fake smile.

I only wanted to be the best wonderwoman out there.

-B