Whatever this is, I don’t want it

Where do I start? I feel like this is the end of a very long journey.

I’ve never really been what you would call a lucky person. My mother left when I was 5 and I was bullied for it. I broke out in psoriasis because of the stress from losing my mother and I was bullied for it.

I grew up and started to build a glittering career. Then I met a prince of a man. He was wealthy, romantic and thoughtful, only the fairytale ended when the prince turned out to be an abuser. I developed arthritis and he was bothered about being landed with a `cripple’.

I fell pregnant and gave up my career to have two beautiful children, but his words to me when I found out I was pregnant was `you jest!’. He wanted a paternity test even though there was no question that I was faithful. He had many affairs while I was trying to patch up the relationship for the sake of the kids but in the end I left with my kids. We left with nothing. He wouldn’t even give me beds for the kids despite being wealthy. I had no job, no furniture, nothing – but I was free.

Or so I thought. He wasn’t happy because he couldn’t control me anymore. He tried to buy the kids from me. I’m not kidding. He offered me several thousand pounds for my children, who he hadn’t bothered with beforehand because he was too busy having affairs.

When the boys were three I met a man who became the man I married. A good man who said wedding vows to my children as well as me. A man who dealt with a lot because the ex still kept trying to control me and poisoned my kids’ minds. The boys ran away when they were 7, they’d smash windows in fits of temper, they’d steal and be violent. My ex took me to Court to say I was a neglectful mother but this was proved to be lies. I managed to get them counselling and it became clear it was the negative influence of their dad poisoning them against me and my husband that was causing problems and we were dealing with the fallout.

A couple of months ago my husband lost his temper with the boys while I was at work. They’re 11 and hormones are kicking in and hubby’s just had a cancer scare and been made bankrupt. It was a bad combination. My ex took the kids and told the police (even though he’s done worse to them – hit them with a belt, shot them with pellet guns and fed them raw chillis for `jokes’).  I had to kick my husband out (my support against the ex). The boys pressed charges after being in their dad’s custody for several weeks, social services were involved and now I’ve lost everything.

My phone calls are all on speakerphone so my ex can hear (and twist) every word I say, the boys have been told not to respond to my emails (just jokes and songs) and I have supervised contact. I’ve never done anything and social services keep telling me I’m a good mother!

Whilst this was going on I was made redundant because the firm was closing. So I’ve lost everything.  I’ve lost my husband. I’m not allowed to contact him while he’s on bail. I’ve lost my children because the ex bought them with holidays and x-boxes and they say they want to live with him. I’ve nothing except debts. I’ve not even got my health.

I’m a motherless child and a childless mother. All those who are supposed to love me most don’t. And I’ve sacrificed so much. My glittering career is long dead. 11 years of fighting the ex have been for nothing. The authorities have handed my children to an abuser and there’s nothing I can do about it because they say that’s what they want. (I’ve reported him but the kids denied it). I’m alone in this house that was so full of life. It’s like they’ve all been killed in a car crash – only it’s worse because a car crash would be over and I could grieve properly. I’ve been fighting for 2 months to get my kids back only to be told they don’t want me. Actually it feels like I’m the one who’s died because they’re with their dad and my hubby has gone back to his mother’s. They all have someone. I’m the one who’s alone in this coffin of a house.

I can’t fight anymore. There’s nothing left. This is not my life. Whatever this is, I don’t want it.