Who Am I

When I was 13 years old I went threw a lot of stuff. I was always sad. always crying. I felt ugly and ashamed of myself. At this point my older siblings found a way to get our dad to send them to mothers house ( who left when I was 9 months old), so i was by myself with his girlfriend Paula. She always fought with me and yelled at me. One day during the summer she said she hated me and i was nothing and my dad didn’t care about me. I told her fine and grabbed a rope. I went out side and started to tie the rope around the tree that was right out side our house (that was in my uncles trailer park). I got as far as hanging for a minute before my uncle ran up and st0pped me. He hugged me and took me to his office. Soon after that the cops showed up and my uncle was telling me that I would be OK and not to be afraid. I was more sad then ever. While I was in the hospital I tried to kill my self repeatedly. Ever day I think back and wish my uncle wasnt there that day. I feel like he didn’t help me. Im in a lot of pain and just want it to go away. I feel ashamed and dirty mentaly. Every day I have to think why I should be alive. I almost dont find any thing I should live for. My baby sister is the only reason Im still alive today.  Even some days I feel like she will be better if I was gone. I know suicide is a cheap way to get away from my problems but it seems like the only way to get away.  About a week ago I tried killing my self. I felt like every one hates me. Every day I think of all the things I did growing up and what a bad person I am.  I cut my wrist so deep that you can still see them today. I wish it would have been deeper though. Today all I can think about is how many times I have tried and some one had stopped me. Sometimes I feel like the only way I will get away with killing my self is when I can get my hands on a gun. Im trying to want to stay alive. Its hard.