I Have No Reason To Feel This Way.

I don’t understand any of it anymore. I have no reason to have such vivid dreams of dying. I’m in a happy relationship. I’m not in a bad financial situation. I haven’t had anything bad happen recently. So, why in fuck’s sake am I waking up from nightmares that feel so real? I fall asleep, then feel like I’m awake and then proceed to kill myself in some way. And just before then end I wake up. What kind of weird shit is that? I mean, I haven’t remembered having such a bad dream experience since I dreamt of going back to my childhood and killing the child me. I know this is probably very inappropriate and I’m sorry for that. I just need to talk to someone about what’s going on because I feel like I’m losing all control over my recovery, and I’m so scared I’ll lapse back into the old state. And I’d prefer anything over that feeling again.