i’m coming apart

  October 28th, 2011 by tphg

I wrote this email to a co-worker today:

“I’m going to die alone.

This is all that’s bothering me, it’s all that ever really bothers me. There aren’t any other people, that I know of, with the personality of a robotic alien for me to fraternize with. Every time I see other people, hear them conversing, laughing, and so on, I can see the differences between me and them. So in my mind, I don’t want to be around others, just alone in my cave, behind walls, because I feel safe and secure. But life without people is even more boring. So, I’m kind of not here right now. Body is here but my mind, not sure it exists anymore. Not sure that the person I was is even alive anymore. My theory is that I’ve died inside and everyday feels a little worse than the last because I’m rotting from the inside out. Just a matter of time before my body realizes that it’s basically a chicken with its head cutoff. No worries though, life generally sucks for most people; this is just why I think it sucks.”

I’m not hiding as well as I used to; depression is spilling forth from my every orifice. I used to be able to fake it so well but I guess with the recent realization that I’m going to be alone forever… I’m starting to feel like an inmate on death row; hopeless.

What reason is there for a death row inmate to continue being “sane”? What’s their motivation for not killing themselves or others when handed such a sentence? I imagine that I’d go completely wild if I were actually on death row but as it stands, I’m just bored, lonely and want to be done with living.

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