So, despite the body having all these little neat tricks preventing you from dying suicide is supposedly the most easy thing in the world. Yeah, well I’m not only stupid but I’m poor as well. Need a gun? Too bad can’t buy it. Nembutual? Nope! Meds so I can not feel suicidal? Again nope!
Its not easy drowning in a bathtub nor is it easy to hang yourself when the ceiling fan collapses on its own with no weight.
To make things even better, there is no way for me to gain meaningful employment. Not only is the economy bad, but I lack even the basic funds for public transportation. So I can’t even try to walk in front of a train or large street vehicle.
I can’t go to grad school ’cause I don’t have enough work experience and I can’t get more work experience because I lack work experience. Also, I can’t work for free to gain experience via internship because I lack transportation. Not to mention my GPA was low thanks to the damned bipolar. If I were to mention that my SoP will probably be insta trashed. If I simply mention ‘illness’ I’m being too negative.
Then I worry I might encounter, as I did in undergrad, people studying bipolar who think its some sort of divine spark like a sick person watching a 500th century trainwreck with an erection. A mental, futurist erection.
Anyway, I don’t even have money to apply to grad school. What a shame!
Every day I sleep about 20 hours wishing that I would never rise. I feel sick and generally horrible when I finally do. My dreams are so ridiculously pleasant these days its as if my subconscious or what not is taunting me. Trying to improve my mood and seduce me into living. If there is an illusion right before we die I certainly hope its modeled after dreams.
Why me? It feels as if I’m cursed in among the worst possible ways. I’ve always done good, been a volunteer for the homeless and whatever. It wasn’t like I was a jerk to folks. Whenever I run into spare materials I donated them. My mood messes with me as does the rest of the world.
Look at the loser, never trying to improve himself! Its his fault 100% for all the stuff that happens. My parents were poor and mentally ill, my grandparents were poor and mentally ill and so on. Yes, yes it’s all my fault for being born. I can’t even get out of this hellish situation because I’m too stupid and society thinks life is perfect and we are fully in charge of fate.
I moved from a rural community where community college was my only hope to an inner city hood with violence and constant robberies of $5 packs of smokes from old cars. Smashed in windows everywhere and the police don’t care.
Only fate I decide is what jobs I get rejected from and what people laugh at my constant string of failures. Then there’s those idiots even stupider than me on the most part who think mental illness is cool.
No, we were born to suffer and only to suffer. Or at least I was. There’s a second of pleasure in life not nearly worth the thousands of years worth of pain everyone goes through. I thought we had some control of our own fates, not even a bit. Circumstance is stronger than you imagine.
3 comments
I can relate to the experience required adds in the paper when I was out of HS, the catch 22 senario, …….. how does one get experience when its needed for the job.
I also know that when at the bottom it’s nearly impossible to “pull yourself up by the boot straps”.
Try some form of assitance, State, Local, churchs (ask iif their is something they can train you to do.
Life can be really hard, I’m assuming your in the US or some 1st world country, you have internet access, there are people in this world that don’t have a roof over their heads and no food to wake up to.
There is always someone worse off than me (most of the time).
I have all my body parts.
Hang on, this seems to be a good place to “dump” those feelings and emotions that we keep inside.
you write quite eloquently!
I too sleep 20hrs a day. once I slept and stayed in bed for 4 days! didnt even feel hungry at all
I have the opposite effect, I can’t sleep. I go days without sleeping and when I finally do get some rest it’s only for like 6 hours at most