despair, damnation

I was a philosophy major in college. I was really good at it. I thought it would help me see the big picture as I worked through life, and I wouldn’t get so bogged down in the little things. That was a silly thing to think. Humans are creatures capable of a great deal more than other organisms, but we are still organisms in an environment. We have to work to meet certain needs for ourselves. We are social animals. We need to feel loved and useful. No matter how well-trained you think your mind is, despair will always creep in if you don’t remember who you are and where you came from.

No matter what people tell me, all I can think is that it is too late for me and I cannot get back on the right track. I just cannot picture relating to others and living up to my obligations. Like many others, I’ve thought about ending it all as opposed to living out my warped, lonely life. I’
d probably be gone if it weren’t for fear of the pain of death, as well as fear of damnation or what I’d feel as my brain shuts down. I tend to believe in some kind of higher power, but I really doubt there is a hell or that people are punished forever for things they do on earth. Still, even if in my mind there is only a one out of one thousand chance that I will suffer eternal punishment for killing myself, cost-benefit analysis would seem to dictate I shouldn’t go through with it. A tiny chance of something infinitely terrible happening is an extremely strong reason not to do something. Even if there is no spiritual punishment, I’ve heard of people who try suicide having mixed to negative near-death experiences. I would hate to experience something like that. Of course, I have many other non-selfish reasons for not ending it all as well.

I can’t picture things working out well for me, but the universe has brought me back from the abyss before. I can picture doing my best for myself today, tomorrow, and the day after that. That is all I can handle right now.