November 29th, 2011 by Kai

I’m new to the site, so I dont really know what to write, well how to start that is. I’m pretty normal, nothing bad has never really happened to me, nice family, ok house, not poor, but not rich, nice friends, never abused, bullied for a month or two when I was younger; but that’s it. A pretty good life. But the one thing, that I think brings me down the most is how I am emotionally. It can take a lot to bring me down at times, it usually depends on who you are. But I get sad easily, whether its someone yelling at me, getting a bad grade on a test, or people talking bad about me. I try not to show any one, because they would know how much of a “wimp” I would be. So I put on a strong face, try to fight back. But when I’m home, and its the end of the day I think “why me, why am I the one who goes through this? Doesn’t someone else deserve it?” And I get sad, and I cry. I dont tell anyone, oh no. With a step father that was born in a family of hardships in the west side, of course I can’t tell him anything, “stop whining,  oh come on you big baby”. Yea, I know he doesn’t mean it in a mean way, but hey im emotional, how else do you expect me to handle it? And my mom already does alot, why put the burden on her and tell her my sad tales? So I think to myself “life would be easier if im dead, I dont need to put up with any of this stuff”. Sometimes I think of dying a gruesome death, like getting stabbed a million times, having to live between life and death. Sobbing and crying in pain, because I feel as if I deserve it… because im emotional. Then I think of doing something quick and painless, a smooth cut to the neck, and then it would all be over, I would be in my perfect state of mind. I wouldn’t have to deal with good and bad, jugdement and hate. I would be in the between, the perfect place, happy and alone. And when I’m close, so close I always think of what would happen, how life would change for family and friends. How my parents, regretfully, would answer that question, “who’s that girl in the picture, she looks a lot like you (my mom)…” So I dont do it, for them, my life isn’t bad. Not at all, its just my mind that’s ill. And I say that because in the back of my head, I feel weak for not taking my life, like im a coward. But its not cowardly for not comititing suicide… is it?

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