It’s so hard to get through the day
but on top of everything In my life everyone else still expects the same of me, and in some cases more.
My teachers expect homework no matter what on the day its due. When sometimes tell them I don’t have it , they mostly ask why… I almost want to break down and tell them everything. Tell them that I didn’t do my homework because I was drunk and I cut myself. They wouldn’t understand, so I just say I forgot to write it down
My coaches expect me to be able to keep up with all the physical work and mental work required to play. They never understand why some days I just can’t work. Then I get yelled at for not trying. But the truth is I was trying, It just was not good enough. It always hurts to run because of the cuts on my legs. I am usually run down because of hangovers. Some days I am so dizzy I can barley stand, because I have taken so many pills. And what do my coaches want from me? They want me to perform at my highest everyday and I honestly can’t do that. Most days it’s a struggle just to get up and most nights it is a struggle not to kill myself and on  top of all that I have to add school and sports… They will never understand.
My “fiends” expect me to be happy all the time. When I’m not they start to call me a downer and a party popper. Of coarse this doesn’t help, but they ask what’s wrong(well some of them). It would be great just to say,” oh well since you ask, I am depressed and suicidal, my parents know and wont get me help, My legs and wrist hurt because I cut them every-night. I also drink to numb the pain, and I take a way lot more pills then you are supposed to. No one needs me here, and I can’t think about anything but killing myself.” What would they say to that. Nothing because there is no really good response. Instead of saying all this to them I merely say “oh its nothing” or ” it doesn’t matter”. One or two of the people I know might press it but I just say I will tell you later, and then they forget all about it.Â
basically In my life I have to meet all the expectations of other people but I can’t because of everything that’s going on. No one knows this so I still get yelled at. I sucks and I hate it. I’m still just not good enough.Â
4 comments
I’m still in highschool and get pissed off with the exact same things as you. But I finally told a friend how I was feeling ( I didnt tell her that I was suicidal thats still my little secret) I trust this friend and it has made things a little easier. I’m not saying the feeling of lonliness has disappeared. I hope you have someone you can trust enough to talk to.
So do you enjoy the sports you play, it doesn’t sound like you do so why do it. It sounds like you are trying to do the best you can, thats all you can do. How are you doing in school anyway, are your grades ok? If other people’s expectations make you so miserable why try to meet them. Make your own goals instead.
People dont understand how hard it is to be happy. I myself have been a raped victim, which lowered my self esteem alot ! So in turn i turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain and take it away for the time being. I have cut myself numerous times and now.. I honestly dont know what im going to do with my life, people dont understand how hard it is to pretend to be something you just.. arnt.. I cant be happy when my soul is aching inside and when i feel like shit about myself, I cant be like everyone else because im not them. Im me. The only thing i focus on is school, to keep my mind off of the pain for a little while. At night, thats the worst, when im alone and left with thoughts of just dieing, somehow, I have breathing problems from smoking and now i cant help but feel for you, dont give up, ever, if people tell me to do things i dont wanna do i pretty much flip them off and tell them to go away and that im not interested. Some days I dont even go to school, i stay at home and sleep the day away, Noone seems to care, they act like they do by saying things like “Whats wrong?” and “Are you alright?” but what would they say if i told them “Im a suicidal girl who is 17 and hates herself and her life, I cut myself sometimes just to FEEL something, anything, if not love then why not pain?! And then other nights i drink and smoke myself to sleep. People at school see me as a beautiful happy-go lucky girl. But what do i say to that? I feel like im dirt and im an unlucky, sick person.
..sorry for venting a bit.. i write alot XD
People who are not unhappy with their lives will never understand how the only way to get a good nights sleep is to be wasted or blazed. They don’t understand how hard it is to put on a smile. Or even to get out of bed. They just think the whole damn worlds awesome and shit and they are ignorant.