Today I caught myself being annoyed because a guy I am seeing doesn’t call me. I started thinking about relationships and how nice it would be to meet a guy who called/texted throughout the day, was fun to be around so I didn’t have to keep the convo going…etc. Then I thought wait a minute why am I even bothered by this? I have a year to get my affairs in order and then thats it. Do I really wanna spend the my last year bogged down with something so meaningless? NO. Same thing with money, I am still paying my bills but I have enough in my 401K to cover expenses so my parents won’t have to pay for anything. It’s freeing. When I think will this matter THIS coming year and the answer is no, I forget about it.
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When you say a year to get your affairs in order is your plan to end your life in a year? If that is the case I’d advise against painting your self in a corner. If you blow all your money and live completely in the moment you run the risk of alienating people and making things worse than they are now. Its easy to be determine when you set a suicide date but when that date comes and goes you’ll be left living with your decisions. It is harder than you think to override your survival instincts and know that all the consequences of a suicide and still do it… However if you’re not planning on ending it in a year ignore this….
Hi Kno1,
I am planning to do just that but I am fully aware there is a chance I will change my mind. I am not “blowing” all my money. I had a $20 lunch today and was kinda beatin myself up when I realized that its not that serious. I don’t do it all the time. I would like my money to go to my neices and nephews. So the less I spend the more they can split. They are all 10 and under. My immediate fam are my beneficiaries. It won’t be obvious that I ended things, an accident on my final vacation. Survival instincts are strong I am sure, if I don’t go through with it no one will be the wiser and I will go back to my life surprised that I chose to struggle with this depression. There is really nothing anyone can say, I am tired.
Oh I understand. I thought you were going to be entirely carefree until what ever time you have had planned on doing it. I understand the feeling of being tired but i cant help to ask what brings you this point in life?
8 years of ups and downs. Its getting harder and harder. I feel like a prisoner to my mind. Many people would trade places with me in a heartbeat I’m sure. I have a good life outwardly, internally however IT IS A MADHOUSE. I seriously can’t keep this up, I recovered once before and it was a triumph…I never believed I would be back here again. With so much goodness in my life it is especially difficult to make this decision. But when I envision more years of this, its a no brainer. I decided a few years back not to have kids and now I know I just cannot get married and subject some poor man to my struggle. Being single would is no problem, but not like this. Medication, therapy, the love of family/friends and a regular spiritual program has kept me alive this long. But Kno1 it is like suffering to live and just don’t have to anymore.
That’s unfortunate you feel like that. Have you let your counselor know how you feel. I’m not going to act like I have all the answers(in fact I don’t think I have any of them) I feel like you should use your support system. I think that a man would be lucky to marry you. Don’t be afraid to let the people around you help you.