gahh

I’m not really sure why I’m writing this, I guess because I feel completely alone and this pain is making me physically and mentally sick. Maybe I should start from the beginning, I can’t remember a time when I never felt sad. My childhood was really traumatizing, My father and Mother both have mental illnesses. They divorced when I was young and my father then died when I was 14. I remember having suicidal thoughts when I was 12, and I’ve had them ever since then. At the age of 18 I feel like a old person, everything makes me tired! I mean everything. I can’t even go through a single day without crying, I can’t sleep and all I really care about is A. either killing myself or B. getting on train to get as far as possible away from this fucking city. My friends think I’m a ***** to be around they don’t understand me and I don’t care. I don’t take any interest in their lives because I simply don’t care. They always want to get me drunk because they know I’m even more miserable when I’m sober. I’m so sick of living and this sickness is turning into a disease. A disease which is killing me slowly and painfully. Last year I was anorexic, I never ate anything and it never felt so good. I felt like I was in control and I miss that. I started eating again this year but I still miss the control. No one even cared when I became a skeleton, my mother would yell at me to eat and then cry in her room. She never spoke to me about it, never told me to get help. No one ever saw me. I sleep with random people to feel better when really I feel fucking empty and can’t stop crying. I’m sorry! I’m sorry for writing something so depressing. I just wish I had someone to talk to, because I know I’m all alone and I have to live with that everyday. I wish the world was better, I wish people cared for one another I mean really fucking cared. I wish we weren’t all so lonely and afraid. I wish suicide wasn’t an option, but it is. I’m afraid to do it, because I know how beautiful this world is but I also know how hard living is,and sometimes it’s like a constant pain in the side. I just need to feel like I belong, really fucking belong. I’ve never felt that and I’m scared I never will. anyway getting this off my chest makes me feel a little lighter. I hope one day things will get better. til then, au revoir.