Hey guys, I haven’t been on this site for a while. To quickly recap, I first joined this website at christmas last year. I had been feling depressed and suicidal from about the summer time of last year. There were some big changes in my life that I didn’t manage well and it got progressively worse until christmas when I was actively considering suicide. I was searching for methods when I came across this site. I tried to kill myself 3 times over christmas last year and the only thing that stopped me was the fact that I met the most amazing guy who happened to be on this site at the time. We are still together and things are kind of good. We are going through a rough patch at the minute and I just got kicked out by my mum last week so the situation is not great, but I am not suicidal anymore and I am actually feeling pretty good considering. My problem is that christmas is coming. Everyone around me is happy and they can’t understand why I don’t feel the same. I have no words to describe the feelings I had this time last year and I know that christmas this year is going to take me back to every moment of last year. My boyfriend wants to go away for christmas and I think the plan was that I would go with him. Now I’m not so sure – I think he might want to go alone. If I can go with him, I have no problems about christmas. We would be going to a country that doesn’t celebrate christmas and I would be with the only person in the world who truly matters to me. I am just getting stressed and upset at the thought of having to spend it either by myself or pretending to be happy.
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4 comments
I flipping hate the holidays too. Too much in-your-face happy family,happy couple bullshit.
I wish they had a hibernation medication that would zap you from Thanksgiving to January 15 or so.
Thats cool that you met someone,I’d just ask him what he wants to do. If he wants to go alone,if you can afford it,couldnt you just go away by yourself too?
I never used to hate them. It was my favourite time of year actually. But last year everything changed. Now I can’t bear to see everyone else being happy at this time of year – it’s still too painful. I have been dreading christmas since the last one and it’s beginning to hit me that we have only like 5 weeks to go. For both me and my boyfriend last year was both the shittiest time we ever went through and also the best, because we both found someone we could relate to. I always felt it was an unwritten rule that we would make this christmas everything last last christmas wasn’t. Now I’m not sure. I am going to ask my boyfriend tonight but we are going through a bit of a rough patch so I don’t want to pressure him in any way. But I am genuinely scared. I could go away by myself – I have actually been looking at hotels I could stay at for a few days over christmas, but I’m not sure whether the fall out from it would be worth a few days of pretending.
The fall out from who?? If your BF leaves and doesnt want you to come with,then he shouldnt have any say.
I think you have to do what you have to do.Youre the one who has the pain from last year,not anyone else. If you need to get away to make it through,then do it.
From my family mainly. I don’t have a great relationship with most of my family, but my ex-stepdad has really helped me out these last few months and I think he is expecting me to spend christmas with him. He currently rents a room with one of his friends who have 2 small children, who are obviously going to be excitable at christmas. The situation is too complicated.
Going with my boyfriend is my first plan because it would also be our 1st year anniversary. If he is not keen, I think I will look into the hotel. I would rather give him space at christmas and keep our relationship, than pressure him and lose him completely because that will send me back to where I was before. There have been so many changes over the last year, he has been the one thing in my life that has remained constant. He is undoubtedly my best friend.