Getting Through

November 16th, 2011by breaking.the.cycle

Today is the fourth day of living on 2 hours sleep; used every pill imaginable.  I must have an iron liver, I take so many different types of drugs.  The sleep deprivation is what kills every single positive neuron in my brain.  I medicate, meditate, and nothing is working.  This has been the case for years. 

Today is horrible.  Just going to take one step after another and then one more until night falls.  Try all over again, listening to “Sleep Cd” about four times. 

Once I tried the car in the garage attempt, my dog got my husband up.  I was shocked to still be alive, but the brain was dysfunctional. Thought that was IT, after six other attempts with different methods.  Obviously I am still here.  That last time trying the carbon monoxide & car, I called 911 & said I wanted to talk to someone.  Ended up in a psych ward.  By far the most horrible, expensive, frightening experience EVER.  Had to get a JUDGE to release me.  NEVER EVER want to be in that situation again.  All I wanted was someone to talk to, big mistake calling 911. 

What I have been doing for these days is crying my eyes out but still doing what I need to do.  I play music that I love and try to keep my mind still.  Otherwise, I obsess about ridiculous stuff I remember or my mind takes over about all the crap going on in my life.  The economy has ruined so much, as did a hurricane, every single appliance I have broke down, scared of losing everything else.  I become extremely depressed. 

Then my cat arrives.  Pets are pretty good therapy sometimes.  And yoga, tai chi.  Just have to force myself to get a favorite CD and DO IT.  Even if I cry all the way through.  If I can manage, I write.  Which is why this is my first shot at posting here.  Tired of writing to myself.  Now it is ten thirty in the morning already and I have work to do, very slow, the best I can.  I am so behind in everything but just can’t focus properly.  One thing, next thing, that’s how it goes.

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