Getting Through

Hi, That “happy act” can be a tough game face; I do it all the time. As to “why,” although I have had a life as good or bad as any other….although I can say my large irish catholic family of liars I mean origin has treated me pretty bad from day one….I consider myself generally resourceful & resilient. However trite this may sound, I don’t like our culture much, and I am not at all afraid to die or worried that my death would be particularly difficult for anyone else’s life. There have been many different traumatic events in my experience, from a young age. My worst fear was to be raped, and that has happened more than once. That’s one example. I’ve been tested in sleep labs, and there is nothing neurologically wrong. When I was preschool, I was always anxious and afraid because of the environment; one of my sisters used to “jump me” in the night while we were in bunk beds. Years have passed, but I am generally tense. The last time I tried to die in a car was about four years ago (second time, had more & stronger drugs, fixed the exhaust pipe perfectly) and here I am! I lost a close friend of mine to MS last year and she was in complete denial about death, as was my father and others. That idea is foreign to me. We come into the world (in our culture, most of the time) screaming, and often lives end suddenly or after a long life where the usual refrain is “he/she looked so peaceful after they died.” What is scary about that?

That may answer your question in my case, but everyone is unique. Why do some of us suffer terribly in this economy and others profit? Why am I sensitive and compassionate to a fault and some people are just oblivious to any problems but their own. I just heard of a ten year old girl in Illinois who killed herself in her closet after being bullied (in a town of 8 or 900 people, I might add). I’ve never been bullied since I left “home” at an early age, but my first suicide attempt was a pact with a friend at sixteen. We both just had seriously dysfunctional families with zero support or love for us. Typical middle class suburban kids, but naturally we never told anyone….

Since I’m new to this site also, my answer is likely too long. Also, I have found some stuff I consider practically promoting suicide, and I do not think that is the intention here When you mentioned that you have a wife
and family, I think that the responsibility toward them finally overrides your own “interest” in this subject. Which is not a judgmental statement at all. Just a harder road to walk. Once I wrote a famous person who wrote about being suicidal (the entire subject of her book, and the field she is in) and asked where were the support groups for this problem. She had no idea, although she did write back.

At this point, since I am a suicidal failure, I cry a lot when I need to even though I am sure that there is a final “way” to die. Just take things slow. Anti-depressants make me completely nuts, so I avoid them. Because I am married, and we’re going through one crazy nightmare after the next lately, I see my husband turning into a frozen robot while I am comfortable getting emotional. I actually found a gun permit in his desk drawer when I was looking for some paperwork. I was so angry and we fought about it. Although he ripped it up, I am not an idiot. When you lose your license it isn’t revoked. Well, maybe I’ll hear an update from you again now that I turned a “reply” into an “essay.” Stay tuned.