I’m getting tired….

I am alone, have plenty of opportunity, and am isolated enough where I could do it.  To be honest, I don’t know if that makes me a coward or not.  But I feel trapped and tired at the same time.

From an outsider’s pov, it seems like I’ve got everything going for me – studying in another country, top of the class, blah, blah, blah.  In reality, I have no one, no family or real friends.  My so-called parents just use me to play psychiatrist and pay their bills, even when I haven’t lived with them in over six years.  It didn’t ever matter that I had my own bills and problems.  As for my “friends,” they were friends with me for about two seconds, after which I became inconsequential.  If I ever needed to talk or needed mental support, which wasn’t often, I was told “Chin up” and “There are those more worse off than you.”  Gee, thanks……Yet I was supposed to support them in their time of need.

I’ve tried medication, talk therapy, and exercise.  None of them work anymore; for one thing, I’m resistant to many SSRIs and anti-depressants.  Moreover, I don’t have health insurance yet; my school’s bureaucracy is notoriously slow.  I’ve tried to “think positively,” only to have it thrown in my face by my parents.  When I ask for help because I’m overwhelmed, no one lifts a finger.  “Just think positively” – rinse and repeat.  I am just supposed to keep pretending as though I am okay, even though I am decidedly not.  I don’t believe in God and contend that religion just guilt-trips people into the status quo rather than actually doing the right thing.

I’ve read about suicide and those left behind.  Some survivors say suicide is selfish and is a “permanent solution to a short-term problem.” Nonetheless, it makes me wonder where these same people were when their loved ones needed them.  Did they try to offer solutions rather than just tell them to smile and/or pass them off to the nearest psychiatrist?  Because that’s what I want: I don’t want to be ostracized; rather, I want to be told that I am human just like everyone else and that I deserve support.  I don’t expect anyone to fix my problems for me, yet I don’t to be labeled “weak” if the answers haven’t magically arrived.

Thanks for reading.