Lost? confused =S somthings not right..

November 28th, 2011by Notevensure

So ill start by saying… im not the best writer… and will probably jump from one thing to another…so sorry about that

Ill start with… Im 18 graduated a couple months early and was working but had to stop because i couldnt keep working with the people i worked with… infact i cant work with anyone… I dont talk to anyone and by that i mean noone.. parents sister old friends from school… I still have a couple friends i seee everyone know and then but when im with them it always feels really awkward… and it seems nowadays theres always this really awkward silence to go along with it that never seeemed to be there before… So right now im just waiting on my secruity licence to come in the maill.. i chose this for a new job because i know someone who did it and told me what it was like… and being alone watching over a building or whatever at night really does seem like somthing i wouldnt mind doing… but its been like a month now still waiting for the licence to come in the mail and it just has me stuck in the house tlking to myself.. and then i realized how boring my life is.. how no matter what i buy or do.. i always end up in the same boat.. Board depressed and just wanting change… I kind of want to do like in the movie into the wild were the buddy just gives away his money.. ( i would probably keep mine though)… and just leaves and lives in the wild.. i know it sounds messed up.. But ive always wanted to move to europe.. and just live in a small town or somthing..  Back before hs started i spent the summer with my grandparents.. (not going to say where) and it wasnt even a town..the small town was a good 2 hour drive away and i still remember everyone.. all the guys/girls i met..everyone was so nice compared to people in ontario… It was like bestfriends the first day i met them and the freedome.. i could walk around at 12-sunrise and not have to worry about anything because there was no on there and the only real threat would probably be a moose (but what are the chances of that)…… I always wanted to go to school there but my parents exucses were ” theres to much drugs and alcohol” and things like that.. But instead i got to go to school with drugs alcohol wannabe gang bangers and retards.. lucky me right.. and of course talking to myself all day and thinking about how good everything could have been if only i got to go to school somewhere else… Honstly was that to much to ask? freedom and food.. was all i needed..here i have a t.v car < recent- xbox and almost everything i want.. i did work for a bit of it.. and back in the day i guesss you can say i was spoiled..but honstly i would have givin it all + whatever it took to get go to school somewhere else… Im surprised i even graduted really..and i can say if it wasnt for me smoking weed i probably never would have gradutaed…it just stopped me from getting into a lot of fights and other things like that… and well thats enough with that part of the story..

So I cant really say im suicidal..i have thought about it.. but then i think of that better place..where everything was better and how i wish i could just be there instead of feeling so dead here..but honstly its been 4 years.. Ive seen a lot of things about suicide were its like “good things will happen dont do it”and things like that… and its been 4 years! and the only thing ive been givin is more reasons to feel like shit.

thats really all i can write right now.. hopefully someone has somthing helpfully to say..and if you made it this far..thanks for reading

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