My girlfriend is a ghost

This is partly my introduction and partly my confession. I don’t know to how many it will matter, but I never am able to talk about this in person so maybe it will be therapeutic to just write it up here. My life hasn’t been as tragic as some of the posts I have read. My family was never abusive. Excluding a year or two spent with a violent and belittling stepfather I grew up in pretty comfy surroundings. For most of my life I was able to maintain a few friends even if I had to kind of fake it. I’ve largely given up on that now. It’s easier to stay as remote as possible.

My only problem is my first and only love. It was a girl I knew years ago. She was a friend of this girl I knew and we met when she decided to prank call my house. After a little back and forth with that we started talking online, and soon enough we were talking all day every day. Fast forward a few months and she calls. I haven’t heard from her in a few days because she said she was busy. We have a fairly normal conversation. Some of our usual jokes and even talked about death. Just not in any way that would have told me this phone call would be different from the rest. She then asks me if I would go out with her. I was by then used to it as she had asked me quite a few times before. I really did want to go out with her, but I was hesitant after a run of failed dates so as I did before I told her no. She said ok and we talked for a little longer. Then her mom came in yelling about something so she said she had to go. I said “sure. call me tomorrow?”. She muttered something about “yeah tomorrow” and hung up the phone.

Next day I got a call. She’s dead. Just 30 minutes after we got off the phone she shot herself; twice. I spent the first couple of months with the doors locked crying from the moment I woke up till the moment I went to sleep. I tried to reach out to friends, but the rumor going around school by then was that I had convinced her to kill herself. No one would talk to me and I wasn’t allowed to attend her funeral. It wasn’t until years later I even found out where she was buried.

Years went by and I have tried & failed at moving on. It’s not even that the people I dated weren’t good people. I would just cheat constantly trying to find that one girl who could bring that feeling back in my life. Finally I decided to quit screwing around with peoples lives in my own narcissistic pursuit and gave up. Since then I have picked up & backed down from a drinking problem. At first I could drown it out with booze & xanax but the longer I went on drinking the worse it became. Soon I would see her in fleeting moments and occasionally hear her voice. One night after half a gallon of vodka I was convinced if I could just follow that voice I could be with her again. A friend of mine had to chase me and hold me down until I came down from that episode. After a few more embarrassing episodes like that I stopped drinking. At least not nearly as often as I used to drink. The DTs were rough but the peak only lasted a week. I don’t see her anymore, but I still hear her voice from time to time. A passing whisper. Usually too inaudible to make anything out of it.

These days I only have one person who will still talk to me. Everyone else moved on. I’m too high maintenance I guess. I spend most of my days now feeling completely numb. I don’t even feel like I’m in my body. Just playing it from a third-person perspective. Going through the motions. I still drink when I can and will put down as much as I can while I’m conscious. I just wait a week or so before doing it again. I tried to overdose on tylenol (bad choice), but didn’t take enough. I’ve tried suspension hanging on multiple occasions, but I was either stopped or the headaches from the blood pooling in my head became too much to bear. I don’t know how I will go or how long it will be, but it feels inevitable that I will have to. I have to be with her.

That’s all. Probably tl;dr, but if you did read all this thank you for your time