Never been happy

I feel lonely all the time.  I’ve never been able to make friends since school.  I’m never made to feel like i’m part of something.  Like I went out in a group and and nobody talked to me and the moment I start talking and trying to be social i’m blocked out and people don’t want to talk to me.  I’ve  always been an outcast.  It’s not like I enjoy being alone.  I feel like crying everyday.  I used to be able to think positive a little but now I can’t even find the energy to get out of bed at times.  I can’t even concentrate on my studying at university anymore because I feel depressed and incredibly lonely.    I can’t talk to anyone.  Not even my mother wants to know and my father is an asshole who left my mother to raise me when I was young.  I’d say my only friend is my dog.

I’m scared of ageing.  I’m scared of dying lonely and being a loner when I’m older.  Never being able to make friends.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I don’t smell, I’m not fat and I don’t think i’m that ugly, but I must be because no girls are ever attracted to me.  I had one girlfriend before, but she treat me like shit and was so cold towards me.  All I wanted was a bit of love and passion.  It was like I put in all the work.

I don’t even know what to type anymore.  I can’t sleep much these days and I don’t want to feel this pain anymore.  I’ve been drinking loads often andf I think of death everyday, but I know I’d never be able to do it because i’d be too scared of the pain.  I’m stuck in this situation and it feels as though the only solution to this problem would be killing myself and starting again.   I’ve tried going to a doctor, but i’m prescribed medication.  I don’t need medication, I need people who care.