I had/have a happy life, nice family, nice home, food on my table, were not rich, but we get by. In a way you can say I have more than what most people dont have. It all started in middle school. Everything was going good, I was happy, I had friends, everything was well. Then just all of a sudden I wouldnt wanna go to school. My mom would drop me off, we’d be in the car and all of a sudden I would just start crying and saying that I didnt want to go to school, I didnt want to go to school. I dont know why I did this and I still dont know. this went on for a while, at first my mom would just stop arguing and agreed to let me go home. Until one day I guess she had enough, like all the other days, I didnt want to go to school so my mom got out of the car and went and got the principal to come and get me. The principal got me and took me to the counselors office, I stayed there for the first 2 periods of school until they finally sent me to class. The whole time I was there I couldnt stop crying. The next day in school, the counselor called me back to the office and had me talk to a junior counselor (a student 1 grade above me) like this was going to help. A few days or months after all this happened, I decided that I didnt want to live anymore. That night I said good night to my parents and went to my room. I sat on my bed with a bottle of water and a bottle of pills on my lap, I was intent on killing myself. The last thing I remember to this day is putting the bottle of pills away and not going through with it. To this day I cannot remember what made me not go through with it. I forgot all about this and everything was fine, I wasnt having any of these kinds of thoughts anymore until one day my junior year in HS, I was just sitting in class when all of a sudden I got this feeling of wanting to kill myself yet again. I didnt try anything this time. I am 21 years old today and every now and then I get what I call “the feeling” of wanting to kill myself. I havnet tried anything since but I still get this feeling of not wanting to live anymore. I think as the days go on its going to get worse and worse. I have never told anyone about this. I think the fact that Ive been so shy and quiet my whole life has finally affected me in a way that I cant explain. Like I said, I have a normal happy life with a family that loves me, but I still dont know why I keep feeling so depressed, sad, stressed out, worried and wanting to hurt myself. I want to get help and feel better but at the same time I dont want my family finding out whats wrong with me, if there is anything wrong with me. I would be to ashamed and embarrassed to say anything. I have also thought about running away and just leaving everything behind. but IÂ dont know what to do, only time will tell if Ill get better.
3 comments
I don’t want to sound like your doctor or anything, but it sounds like a symptom of bipolar disorder. As long as you don’t tell the dr you want to go home and off yourself (even if you do) she/he might prescribe you some meds that could help. If it’s just the occasional down slopes there are some MAOIs that can balance out those cycles.
Just a suggestion.
That sounds like me. When I was in about fifth grade I just got so depressed….not all the time but it would creep up on me. And it wasn’t like my life was terrible or anything, but it was just….I cried every time I thought about that fact that I’d be forced to go to school for several more years. I don’t know why, but it started with that. It doesn’t really make sense, because I had some pretty good friends and didn’t have trouble in any of my classes…if anything my stress should’ve come from being at home.
I suppose it is some sort of chemical imbalance. The past two years or so I figured out a few concrete “reasons” for wanting so badly to die, but none of them are really the problem I guess. It sounds like we’re kinda on the same boat, though I may be a bit more dramatic about it than you.
I am diagnosed clinically depressed, though it has been cleared as i remission for the last 4 years. I still get the feeling. All I have to do is remind myself that it’d be far too selfish, I have things going and I will never be me ever again, the world will lose me. Even if no one knows I exist, there is only one me. you ought to remind yourself when that feeling pops up, why it’s such a terribly stupid and selfish thing to think of. But I do worry one day it won’t be enough, G-d forbid i ever fail to love myself enough to keep breathing.