December 10th, 2011by Lexlolington

I suppose that I’m coming to terms with what “living” means. It’s not what you hope it will be as a child.

Though, I do still feel like a child most days.

I can’t have what I want or do what I please so most days I simply do nothing.

Growing up I (mostly) had everything I needed.

I suppose that’s why I simply can’t accept life  for what it truly is; suffering and struggling to get by and move forward.


I can’t remember the last time I felt happy or content.(unless I was smoking weed or taking pills)


Why is it that the only things that make me feel good are deemed wrong and disgraceful by society?

Maybe I should grow some stones and stop caring about society. But I’ve always cared.

Even in school, when I was being bullied I had a strange compulsion to appease and impress my peers.

I just wanted for them to like me. I wanted to be everything society wanted me to be.

And I still do. “Being myself” has never gotten me much attention. Not positive attention atleast.

I’m just a pile of shit.  Thats why I just stay at home. Fucking social anxiety.

I think I may have  Aspergers as well (yes, I know it’s unwise to diagnose ones self)


I’m so damn bored.


I know I could change my life for the better but a big part of me simply doesn’t want to.

The things we can do with this life just seem so….limited.

So pointless when the truly enjoyable moments are few and far between.

Is all the pain worth a few moments of joy?  I really don’t think so.


The other part of me just doesn’t know where to start.

I’ve been fat for most of my life and now I’m bigger than I’ve ever been.

I wish I was social but I’m not. I’m very awkward and I have a thin skin.

I can’t accept this. I’m losing patience.

I might go sooner than I planned. That is if being a fatass doesn’t kill me first.

End rant.




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